From: "Caroline Webb" Date sent: Fri, 10 Apr 1998 18:13:28 +0100 TITLE: When The Sand Settles AUTHOR: Trustyone RATING: G CLASSIFICATION: SA SPOILERS: Christmas Carol/Emily KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully friendship SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully talk after Emily's funeral at the end of the episode. DISCLAIMER: Ok, Mulder Scully, and Emily belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox broadcasting. Now the legal stuff is out of the way, lets get on with things..... Author's notes: Well this is a friendship story between our favourite FBI agents. A little angst, but we all like a bit of angst now and then. When watching Emily, I just suddenly thought 'What do you think they will say say to each other when they get in the car?' because Scully told her Mom that she would ride back with Mulder. Also Mulder was worried about her looking in the coffin because he knew that the coffin contained sand and not Emily, so he was trying to protect Scully. Oh yeah, and the title refers to the dream Scully has at the beginning of Christmas Carol which surfaces again at the end of Emily. But that is just ancient history for the people who have seen it and a big spoiler to the people who haven't. For people who haven't seen it.......sorry! P.S. I can't remember the name of the church they are at, the date, or the time, or the city (it's either Washington DC or San Diego) Don't flame me if these details are incorrect!!!!! P.P.S. The title is also a metaphor. The sand also represents troubles, problems, etc. You'll understand at the end of the story. P.P.P.S. Thereare also brief mentions towards the episode Memento Mori. P.P.P.P.S. Sorry for any typos!!!!! Ok, enough!!! All comments to caroline@thewebbs.demon.co.uk Thanks y'all!!! Enjoy..... --------------------------------------------------------------------X When The Sand Settles By Trustyone --------------------------------------------------------------------X ----------X Memorial Church Washington DC 11:31am Scully stood at the opened small white coffin, clutching the cross tightly in her hand and closing her eyes to hold back the tears. She didn't want Mulder to see her cry. She knew that personal involvement with investigations, which this had started out to be, was not acceptable in the FBI. She knew it was a silly thing, but she hated to feel innocent and helpless. Weak and vunerable. This whole ordeal had taken a toll on her. Finding a daughter that she didn't know existed. Having her taken away. Memories of Missy surfacing. All of these things were connected. Connected to the dark governmental force working against the X Files and the people linked with it. Mulder took a few steps, up to her side. He put his hand on the small of her back and gently guided her out, away from Emily, or what should have been Emily. He was silent, not knowing what to say to her. Mulder knew that he should let her make the first attempt at conversation because if he asked her, she would instantly put her guard up. He hated that. But, it was unlikely she would talk to him freely, because of her stubborness and that 'guard' that protected her feelings. But, if he didn't talk to her, he was worried that she would think that he didn't care. Either way, there wasn't an easy path to choose. -----X They walked out of the small church and to the car. Mulder opened the door for Scully and she climbed in. He got in the driver's side and started the engine. Mulder heard a gentle sigh escape Scully's throat. He glanced over at her and saw that her bottom lip was trembling slightly. His heart broke to see she was bearing all this pain and grief by herself. He wanted her to talk to him. She could feel his gaze on her. She inhaled deeply and told herself not to cry. She was having a hard time doing so. The pain she felt was so painful, it frightened her. She had never felt like this before: hurt, confused, discieved, alone. It had been similar when Missy died, but with the added knowledge that she had a daughter, 'a miracle that wasn't supposed to be' as Mulder had put it. . The words circled round and round in her mind. She could never have children, she knew that. The daughter that she had found had just been taken away from her, had slipped from her grasp. That was what hurt the most. she thought solemnly. Mulder couldn't take this any longer. The sorrow that he felt, towards the disappearance of his sister gave him the knowledge, the confidence to aproach Scully as he knew what she was feeling, to an extent. He glanced at her again. Her eyes were slightly red, her pallor: paler than usual, her face: expressionless. She looked lost and lonely and that hurt him. She was usually the strong one. "Scully?" he asked gently, not looking at her as she knew that would make her angry. No answer. "Scully? Please, tell me what your feeling" he told her, as gently as possible. "Why? So you can pysco-analyse me and tell me that I'm going through the grieving process? No thank you" she whispered. The words hurt him again. "Don't be stupid Scully" he scolded her, although he instantly regretted it, "Just talk to me as a friend. It does help" he said, more gently. She looked at him, her eyes full of sorrow. She was looking for sincerity in his voice. He glanced at her, returned to the road and pulled the car up at her apartment building. Scully unfastened the seat belt which made her feel trapped and went to open the passenger door. She was stopped by Mulder's hand on her shoulder. "Scully...Dana.." he said. She considered him for a moment, deciding whether to let it out or to keep it closed in. She finally relented and leaned back into the car seat. Mulder unfastened his seat belt also. "Mulder...I...I don't really know where to begin or what to feel. I don't really know what has happened. I'm just living in this blur, not kowing what to do, say, or feel" she said, clasping her hands together tightly. "Take your time. We've got all day" "We have to go to Mom's. She's cooking us dinner" she said, trying to avoid the original topic. She wasn't sure about talking about this with Mulder. "I don't mind. Unless you do" he said. She shook her head slowly, looking down at her hands, avoiding his. "When I found out that Emily was *my* daughter, it was...well, a shock. You just can't imagine the confusion I felt. Knowing that I can't concieve children, but then finding out that I do in fact have a child. It was unreal" she smiled. Mulder did too, trying to help uplift her spirit. "Mulder, can I ask you something?" she turned to him, "What did you feel when your sister disappeared?" She saw sorrow fill his eyes, the hurt evident. "Anger, loneliness, sadness" he said simply, him now avoiding her eyes. "That's how I feel now" she stated, turning to look at the people outside. A woman with two children were happily running along with a dog. They were laughing together. Scully's heart felt heavy. "I know you do" Mulder said, "But, it's only natural" he looked at the children outside, then to Scully. "You sound like a pyscologist" she said bitterly. "Well, what do you want me to say? That everything is going to be fine straight away? That you will feel this pain forever? That I told you, you would get hurt? No, so what else am I to say?" "I don't know" she struggled, her eyes watering. "And neither do I, so all I can do is be here if you need to talk" "That's what Mom's are for" she said, trying to lighten the topic with humour. "Well your's maybe" he said. Scully suddenly felt a pang of guilt in the pits of her stomach, mixing with the other feelings she felt. "Mulder, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.." "It's fine, Scully. Really. We are talking about you here. Not me, not my childhood. You. And I'm going to listen" This meant a lot to Scully. "You don't want to hear me..." "Seriously" he stated. Scully looked at him to see the seriousness in his eyes. The trust. "Well...Mulder?...Have you..." "Not me. You" he repeated. "No, let me finish. Have you ever thought about having a family?" "Huh? Umm, once, I suppose. But work and having hardly any life does make it a little unlikely at the moment" he dead-panned. "I know the feeling" she murmured. Mulder suddenly felt guilty, for he was the main reason, along with the X files, that all her time was consumed. It was also his fault that she was going through this. "I'm sorry Scully. This is basically my fault. If I had been more of a bastard in the beginning, you would never have had to go through all this" "Don't say that Mulder! It was *my* decision. My choice to stay on with you and the X files. I admit, there have been times that I've wanted to bail. Jump off this train which goes round and round, but I haven't" she told him. "Thanks" he said. He wanted it to sound sincere, but the way it came out seemed more of a patronising tone. Scully went quiet. She looked out the car window again, watching two children roll around in the snow. "Does it hurt?" Mulder asked "What?" Scully said, turning back to Mulder. "Losing a child?" he said. "Mulder, I'm hardly the person to be asked that!" she said. "But that's just it Scully! You are, were, a mother. You have lost a child. You have to let tht sink in. You have to allow yourself to understand that that is the reason why you feel like this!" he scolded her. Scully looked hurt. "I saw the cross around her neck. I know your mother gave that to you. That 'giving' was a symbol that you understood you were a mother, the mother of Emily. Don't shut that out. Don't forget that, Scully" he said, in a gentle tone again. He saw the tears in her eyes. He saw her bottom lip tremble. He saw the fight she was losing to stop herself from crying. Suddenly, she let her emotional guard crumbl, let her tears fall freely. Her sobs shook her petite frame. Mulder leaned forward, took her and hugged her tightly. She didn't fight back and put her arms around him and cried into his shoulder. He kissed her hair lightly and held her as she continued to let out all the saddness, helplessness, weakness and injustice she felt. A few minutes passed by in silence, apart from the gasps Scully made. She finally sat up, released herself from Mulder's grasp and wiped her eyes. Mulder kept a hand on her shoulder and looked at her to make sure she was alright. She eventually nodded as she knew that he was concerned. A few more minutes passed in a comfortable silence as both agents sat back and watched the world outside wander by. The silence was finally broken by Scully, who had regained her composure. "You know it's funny, and ironic, I guess. When I was little, I was the only one out of me, Missy, Bill and Charlie, that wanted a big family, with loads of children. But I end up being the one unable to do so" she shook her head at the unfairness of it. "You still could" Mulder said. "How?" she scolded, sarcasm in her voice. "Adoption, surrogacy.." "Surrogate motherhood? How would *I* manage that? You do need and egg from an *ovary*, you know!" she scolded, turning her anger towards Mulder. "Because...Scully...this is really hard to tell you, but when you were being treated by Dr. Scanlon I found something...something that belonged to you" he slowly said, not sure about if this was the right time to tell her. "What, Mulder?" "I came across a room in a fertility clinic that had a 'vault' of small, refridgerated drawers. One of them had your name on, and it contained vials with...your..ova in them" he went silent, allowing for this to sink in. "What?" she gasped, tears threatening to escape her liquid blue eyes. "I took one of them" he said, avoiding her eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?" she choked out, "We are partners, friends. I trust you to tell me the truth" she scolded him. "Scully, I tried! But it was never the right time. And I thought I was protecting you" he defended himself. He looked up to see her eyes were tightly shut. A tear slowly descended down her pale cheek. "Scully..." he tried, but he was cut off. "Where are they?" she said, her voice a hoarse whisper. She wiped away the tear that graced her delicate cheek. "I had them contained at a fertility clinic near the hoover building" "They weren't damaged?" she asked, hope now in her tone. "No, not badly damaged. The doctor who I got in contact with said he would check them throughly" "Thats a big task!" she said "He owed me. A fellow college and university grad!" he smiled at her. She smiled back. "Thank you" she managed. "Well, it's the least I could do" he managed, not knowing what to really say. "I appreciate it" she said. "Are you going to be ok?" he asked. She nodded. "You want to go to your Mom's?" "No, not really, Mulder" she stated. She grabbed her purse and opened the car door, letting the cold wind draft through into the car. "Bye Scully" Mulder said, not totally sure whether she was alright. "Bye Mulder" she said, assuring his worries. "I'll call you" he said, she nodded in acknowledgement. "Thank you Mulder" she said, exiting the vehicle. "For what?" he asked, slightly puzzeled. "For listening" she said. "Any time" he said, giving her a sincere smile. She smiled back at him in thanks. She walked away from Mulder and into her building, Mulder watched her go. He finally departed when she had disappeared from his sight. Scully walked in to her chilly apartment, discarded her coat, turned on the heating, then sat down on the sofa. She opened her purse and pulled out the picture of Emily that Mrs. Sim, her adoptive mother, had once herself carried. She looked at the little girl which smiled up at her. Her blue eyes looking happy and full of life and sparkle. Scully let another tear fall She thought about the conversation she had just had with Mulder, remembering his words, <...you were a mother, the mother of Emily>. She smiled at the words. They seemed strange, yet comforting and then she realised that Mulder would always be there for her, when the sand settles. --------------------------------------------------------------------X T H E E N D --------------------------------------------------------------------X What did you think? All comments are welome at carline@thewebbs.demon.co.uk Cheers y'all!!!!! :P