Date: Mon, 09 MAR 1998 08:27:29 -0500 
From: Tanya (tlc) <tlc88@nojunk.com>
Subject: NEW: Tears of a Believer (1/1) by Tanya Larissa Chang 

TITLE:  Tears of a Believer

AUTHOR:  Tanya Larissa Chang

EMAIL ADDRESS:  tlc88@hotmail.com

DISCLAIMER:  The X-Files and associated characters included within this
work of fiction belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions, and
the Fox Network. No infringement is intended.

RATING:  G

CLASSIFICATION:  A/Vignette

SPOILERS:  The Red and the Black (part 2 of "Patient X")

SUMMARY:  A continuation of the final scene between Mulder and Scully in
"The Red and the Black".  (Scully POV.)

Author's Note:  I couldn't sleep after seeing the episode and just had
to write something to explore that final scene between FM and DS just a
bit further.  If you haven't seen the episode, this probably won't make
much sense.


TEARS OF A BELIEVER
===================
by Tanya Larissa Chang

At that moment, I saw Mulder's obvious confusion - his loss - and I
understood how he felt...  to be robbed of memories which could lead us
to the answers we continually sought to the truths behind some of the
many unexplained events in our lives:  the abduction of his sister, the
deaths of my own sister and his father, and my own abduction.  My heart
cried out to see Mulder in such a state. He could not bring himself to
meet my gaze as I sat in the back of the military police car, knowing
that we would have to provide answers which even we did not know.  Why
had we come to Wiekamp Air Force Base?  Under whose authority did we
presume to present ourselves, claiming to know nothing?  What had led
Mulder to lie and then climb on board the military truck as it had left
the base?  What had happened to the driver?  We really did not know
anything - had not been allowed to know anything - nor were the answers
forthcoming.

But our own questions were the ones which would surely haunt us well
beyond this day.  Had I really experienced a close encounter with an
alien existence, or had it just been an elaborate hoax carried out by
our own government?  How had I been led to Ruskin Dam?  What had Mulder
seen on the truck?  And why could neither of us remember any of these
events?

"What happened?"  I asked gently.

His shoulders hunched, this man whom I trusted like no other could only
answer me with the truth.  "I don't know."

He held his hand to his forehead, trying to will the memories forth, but
in vain.  I reached out and touched his hand, feeling his warmth as his
fingers entwined with mine.  Like it or not, Mulder and I were destined
to make this journey together, each guiding the other to ensure that,
side by side, we might find our way to the truth.  We could not deny our
fate.

"Scully, I'm so sorry."

Mulder still could not look at me and I realized that, for some reason,
he felt ashamed.  We had seen too much together for me to see him this
way.  My own guilt surfaced as I recalled the words I had said to him in
the hospital. Through five years I had followed Mulder and believed in
him, even when I could not believe as he did.  Suddenly, a lifetime of
faith in his quest and in the truth had been inexplicably shattered - or
perhaps not so inexplicably given the many conflicting tales we had been
presented over the years.  It was then that I turned my back on him. 
Out of my own frustration and need to know, just when he needed me the
most, I told him I could no longer follow.  How could I have been so
blind, so insensitive?

"Mulder," I began, wanting so much for him to know that there was
nothing for which he needed to apologize.  I was the one who should have
been asking forgiveness.  I felt the pressure of his fingers around mine
and he looked up, tears filling his eyes.  Damn it, I thought, why
here?  Why in the back of this car?  Mulder, don't do this to me...

"Scully."  He said my name softly and reached out his free hand to touch
the hair that draped over my eye.  I wanted to hold him then, tell him
that everything would be fine, that somehow we'd be okay because we
would be together.  "Scully, I am so sorry I doubted you," he said at
last, his breath ragged from the sobs he was trying so desperately to
suppress.  "My God, Scully. How could I have been so stupid?"

"Mulder, we don't know what happened...  here, or on that bridge," I
told him. Again, I was the one who would need proof to convince me of
the memories that seemed buried in my subconscious only to be unearthed
by the questionable means of regression hypnotherapy.  Mulder, it
seemed, had seen something just now, and although he seemed unable to
recall just what had occurred, I could see in his eyes that he again
believed.  There would be more doubts ahead.  Mulder would certainly
face a difficult path sifting through all the lies to discover the truth
that he sought so determinedly, but neither would I have such an easy
time discounting his strange theories simply because modern science
could not explain them.

"We're going to be okay," I said.  I leaned closer to brush the tears
from Mulder's cheeks and found myself supporting his weight as he
finally let go the feelings that had built up inside of him for so
long.  I held him for a moment, letting him cry, knowing it was what he
needed just then.  It seemed too soon that we pulled away from each
other, and I gently kissed him on the cheek to somehow let him know that
I wasn't leaving, that nothing else mattered except that we should
continue on.  Somehow, someday, Mulder and I would find the truth... 
out there, and in us.

THE END