From: Margi Kleinjan Subject: A Little Green Dress Date sent: Sun, 15 Mar 1998 17:41:53 -0000 :) Title: A Little Green Dress Author: Alisha Rating: PG Classification: SRHA. Only slightly 'A' though. And I'm using 'H' in the broadest sense. It just depends if your sense of humour is as totally warped as mine is. Spoilers: None Keywords: Mulder/Other romance Other/Other romance, and finally Mulder/Scully romance. Intriguing, no? Summary: Scully is angry because Mulder is a bastard and his new girlfriend is perfect - and a guy called Bob from Wisconsin has a helluva lot of explaining to do. Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully etc aren't mine, unfortunately. Neither are the song lyrics which I've slipped in here inconspicuously (*snort*). However, I *do* own Karen and Bob, who aren't really much, but never mind. Notes: As per normal, in my universe, Pendrell and Queequeg are alive, and there is an eternal Happy Days channel. I tell everyone this when I write a fanfic and it's getting pretty monotonous, but I thought I should continue to point this out, just so you know. [Eeks Linda - a fanfic without fish!] Feedback: For Catwoman ~~~~~~~~~~~ A Little Green Dress by Alisha ~~~~~~~~~~~ Scully was standing at the airport, watching the bronzed passengers come through the gate. Waiting. For Mulder. He had been gone on holiday in some warm foreign clime for five days. Five sodding, measly days. Scully had had colds which lasted longer than that. Oh, but she missed him. She missed him so badly she had taken to playing darts to relieve the tension. She had grown quite good at it. Suddenly, his head appeared through the crowd, and she felt like she was going to vomit. "Mulder!" She called, but her voice faltered and she felt *seriously* ill. "Mulder!" She called again, regaining her vocal capabilities slightly. "Scully!" He called back and dropped his cases to wave and smile. Wiping her sweaty palms on her pants, Scully ran forward... and fell. And not even on Mulder; she fell straight into the arms of a stranger. A curvaceous, well-dressed stranger, with perfectly textured blonde hair swept back dramatically from her face. A stranger who... Oh God... was with Mulder. And obviously *with* him, too. The stranger supported her weight and stood her up vertically. "Maybe you shouldn't run in those heels, sweetie." She said. Scully smiled. "I'm fine. Thank-you." Mulder stood by grinning. "I guess this saves me an introduction." He said. "Scully, this is Karen, Karen, this is Scully." "Dana." Scully corrected and shook Karen's hand, hating her instantly. "It's nice to meet you." "Likewise, sweetie." "Karen will be joining us for dinner tonight." "Oh good." Scully said, trying her hardest to sound sincere, hating Karen even more. "Shall we call a cab?" Mulder suggested. "I got my car outside. I'll give you a lift, if you want." Scully said grudgingly. "That'd be great." Mulder said enthusiastically, and they followed the practically devastated Scully through the airport to the parking lot. ~~~ Mulder was perfect. He was *perfect*. There wasn't a single thing wrong with him. He was lovely and charming and romantic and funny and gorgeous... Scully snapped back to reality. Mulder and Karen were sitting opposite her at the table in the fancy restaurant. Scully was about three inches high in their little world. Scully poked at the succulent chicken on her plate, and a spurt of garlic butter streamed out into her potatoes. The food was marvellous. Possibly the best she had ever tasted; she had ordered it on Mulder's recommendation. Karen had too. And Mulder was feeding it to her, piece by piece by mouthwatering piece. Scully couldn't eat another bite. "Excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom." She said, wiping her hands on her napkin. Karen swallowed her mouthful. "I'll go with you." Scully's brow crinkled but she managed a smile. "Okay." ~~~ Scully sat on the toilet, staring at the white panel door, her toes pointing inwards. "Dana, this might be my imagination... but... I get the feeling you're a little perturbed." "Whatever gave you that idea?" Dana said, pulling down a strip of toilet paper. "I don't know. You just seemed a little quiet. I really want us to be friends - are you okay, sweetie?" Karen was also perfect, Scully decided. In fact, she had decided this during dinner when it was discovered that she could speak eleven languages (including Tahitian and several little known tribal dialects), had never had plastic surgery (even her straight rows of pearly white teeth and her golden blonde hair were real), and she donated to charities on a regular basis. And she was genuinely nice, too. She had been a darling to Scully since the moment they met, and as much as Scully tried, she was finding it increasingly difficult to hate her quite as much. "I'm fine." She said, wiping. "Oh good. I'm glad." Karen reapplied her lipstick while Scully washed her hands in the expensive looking sink unit. "I thought," she giggled a little, nervously, "I thought maybe you didn't like me." Scully smiled. "Of course I do." She said, and they wandered back to the table where Mulder was waiting. ~~~ Scully was lying in bed, battling with her conscience. Someone had to go. There was only one Mulder to go around and Scully wasn't going to quit. She soulfully listened to the lyrics of 'Her or Me' from Miss Saigon, and plotted against Karen. Or at least, she was *trying* to. Her conscience was winning. She wished from the bottom of her stomach that Karen would wake up the next day and be a bitch. An evil, unworthy bitch and Scully would be able to hate her with just reason. Or better still, Mulder would hate her. In the darkness, she reached for her darts and chucked them blindly at her wall. Two hit, with a satisfying dull thud, and one hit the metal of her door handle with a clink. The only thing Scully could think about was the fact that she had to win. And there was only one way she could win *and* keep her conscience happy: if Mulder left Karen of his own accord. She had an idea. ~~~ "Late night last night?" She asked, entering the office the next morning, with a slight smirk on her face. "Yeah." Mulder woke up. "Seeing Karen today?" After his vision had returned to normal, Mulder eyed Scully closely. "Yeah. You look nice today." Scully smiled and Mulder nearly fell off his chair. "Thank-you." She said. She knew she looked nice. She had been up since 4 that morning making sure she looked nice. If not gorgeous, in fact. "You've done something different with your hair." Mulder continued. "Yeah." "And that's a new suit." "Yeah." A new suit two sizes smaller than her regular suits. A suit with a just-decently-short skirt (and only just), and a scooped-out neckline and a pair of four-inch heels. It was a suit which would quite likely be outlawed in several states on anyone with a wider figure than a rake. As it happened, Scully was not quite rake-like. "Do you like it?" She asked, sitting down, crossing her legs. Mulder thought he might pass out, or set off the sprinklers, or maybe both. "It's... different." Scully smiled and switched on her computer. "There was something I wanted to ask you, Scully. It's a bit awkward now really - now that Karen's staying with me..." "What was it?" Scully asked, logging in. "Well, my apartment complex is being fumigated this weekend, I was just *wondering* if I could stay at your place until it's safe again." Scully weighed up the situation. Mulder at her apartment for two days, maybe three nights. Eating her food and watching her TV and shitting in her toilet. The prospect was... let's face it... not an unattractive one. Even the shitting part. But every silver lining has a cloud. "With Karen?" She asked. "With Karen. I mean, we can check into a hotel, if it's too much bother. I just thought I'd ask." Scully weighed up this situation. Mulder and Karen in a hotel together for two days, three nights, nothing to do... "You can stay. Both of you. I'd love to have you. Stay, I mean." Mulder smiled. "Thanks, Scully." "You're welcome." Scully began typing. ~~~ "Oh, Dana, your apartment is *gorgeous*." Karen enthused. "Thank-you. Mulder, you can take the couch, and Karen, I'll show you where you'll be sleeping." Mulder's eyebrow raised itself ever so slightly. Karen glanced at Mulder for a second and then followed Scully to the guest bedroom. "Scully, I think you just turned into my mother." Mulder said, joining them. "Well, it's not practical to have you both on the couch, or both on this tiny bed, is it?" "I'm not complaining." Karen said, being angelic as she naturally and repetitively was. "We're really grateful that you're putting us up like this, aren't we?" "Yeah. Sorry Scully." Mulder said. Scully took a mental note of all the times Karen had referred to her and Mulder as 'we', and tried her hardest to stop her head from blowing off from sheer anger. ~~~ The art of playing darts is something which Scully knew actually nothing about. But she had a feeling it had something to do with being incredibly angry and vicious for most of the actual throwing period. And she was angry. Boy was she angry. She had left Mulder and Karen sitting up watching TV, except they weren't really watching it and hadn't been for a long time. Scully wasn't even sure if they noticed she had left, they were so engrossed in each other. And now she was lying in bed, fifty darts sprawled across the duvet in front of her, her brand new, expensive, top quality dartboard on the wardrobe door opposite. She missed a lot when she wasn't angry. But for the last fifteen minutes she had been aiming and hitting and aiming, and hitting. She had wanted to stick a picture of Karen up on it, the way people so often seem to do on TV, except that she didn't have any. She contemplated taking one of Mulder's recent polaroids of her, but she didn't. She couldn't. One look at Karen's celestial features and she felt like crying. The darts shwooshed through the air and fwumped into the dartboard. Swoosh Fwump Swoosh Fwump Swoosh Fwump Swoosh "Hey Scully." Crack. The dart hit the wardrobe door. "Mulder." Mulder frowned. "What are you doing?" "Darts." "Right. I was just wondering if I could make us a drink." "Oh, I'm not thirsty, but you can help yourself." Mulder smiled. "I meant me and Karen." "Oh." Swoosh "Right." Fwump "You're really good at that. I didn't realise you played." Scully shrugged. "Maybe you don't know me as well as you think." Mulder chewed his bottom lip. "Maybe I don't." He paused, thoughtful for a second, and then said. "Right, goodnight then, Scully." "Sleep well." Swoosh Fwump And so the night went on. Scully stayed awake with a self-harming fixation on listening to make sure her visitors were sleeping. And nothing else. The whole night through. By 3am, her darts arm was beginning to hurt. By 4am, she was proficient with her left arm as well. By 5am she could throw blindfold. By 6am she was thirsty. On the offchance that Mulder was sitting awake in her living room, she spent fifteen minutes trying to look slightly less dishevelled and slightly more like somebody who is perfect even at quarter past six after a sleepless night. Mulder was asleep, snoring slightly, in front of the early morning TV show. Scully switched off the TV and wandered through the thick carpets to her kitchen, where she drank two cartons of milk there on the spot. God she needed to piss. She wandered back through the living room, aiming herself in the general direction of the bathroom, trying not to get distracted by the sound of Mulder's soft breathing, the rise and fall of his chest, the calm look on his face when he slept... Oh what was the point? She quickly detoured across the room and perched herself and her full bladder on the edge of the sofa. She smoothed Mulder's hair out of his face, and pulled his duvet up further so that he wouldn't get too cold. Then she smoothed his hair some more. And watched him. She sat there without moving, barely without breathing, and watched him sleep. Something had to be done. ~~~ Scully woke up sleeping on the sofa. Mulder was gone and there were two notes sitting on her coffee table. One of them was on a scrap of paper and it read; Scully Got a phone call - had to go to Boston. I'll call you and let you know if anything interesting happens. This could be it! Mulder The other was folded up and had Karen's name on it in Mulder's childlike block capital writing. Without a sliver of guilt, Scully opened it and read it. Dear Karen, I'm sorry I have to leave you like this but I've had to go to Boston for a short while. You're in good hands with Scully and I hope you get along well until I get back. Missing you already, Mulder xxxxxxxxx Scully narrowed her eyes and folded the letter back up, making sure the creases were fresh. Mulder had left her with the angel girl from hell. Or more likely heaven; Karen didn't have a hair out of place when she came out for breakfast. "Good morning. Mulder had to go away on business. There's a letter for you." Scully said neutrally. Karen opened the letter and smiled and slipped it into her dressing-gown pocket. "Of course, you're welcome to stay here for as long as you like." Scully said, unable to help herself. "That's very kind of you." Karen beamed. "I'm really glad we're getting along so well; Mulder didn't stop talking about you while we were away." "Really?" Scully poured the coffee. "Oh yeah," Karen continued, "It's clear you're such good friends. I want us to be like *sisters*." Scully took a deep breath. "I'd like that too." Karen was ecstatic. She was delirious. She hugged Scully with such affection it brought tears to her eyes. "Today." Karen said. "We will go shopping. Like sisters." "I can't wait." Scully said, managed to realistically feign enthusiasm. ~~~ "It wouldn't suit me." Scully said. "Sweetie, of course it would!" Karen said, highly emphatically. Karen was emphatic rather a lot, it seemed. "It's just your colour and it's the perfect shape for you." The dress in question was in smooth leaf green and could have been used as a vest on anyone three or four inches taller than Scully was. "When would I wear it??? Who would see it?? No-one ever sees me out of work. Except for my mother." "And Mulder and me." Karen persisted. "And then there's the Hallowe'en dance coming up!!! We'll take you along there and find you a nice FBI guy." "Right." "In this, you will knock 'em dead." "Maybe." "There's no maybe about it. Now you march over to that changing room and let me see how it looks on you." Scully relented. "Hey!" Karen squealed as Scully left the curtain wearing the dress. "That looks great, honey!" "I feel like a Spice Girl." "Get over it, you look brilliant." Scully inspected herself in the multiple mirrors. "Hey, if you don't buy it, I will, and you just *know* I'm not gonna look as good as you do in it," Karen and her perfect figure said. "You look just *the best*, I promise." "I don't have any matching shoes." Scully said, feebly, knowing that she was in a dead end situation. "Well we'll just have to buy you some. I saw some simply *adorable* strappy shoes out there." "I'll get changed." Karen smiled triumphantly. ~~~ Swoosh Fwump Scully heard her front door click quietly - it was the middle of the night and Mulder was back. She crept out of her room to greet him in the darkness. "What happened?" She asked. "Dead end." Mulder said simply. "How are you?" "I'm fine. Karen's fine, too. We went shopping today." "Oh, good." "Do you want a drink of something?" "Yeah, a coffee would be nice." "Go and sit down and I'll bring one through." "Thanks." Scully made the coffee and wondered if she could make it through a conversation with Mulder without confessing her soul to him. "Coffee." She said. "Oh thanks - I need this." He took a sip. "So what do you think of Karen, then?" "...Erm... she's very persuasive. She made me buy this dress... it's not really me..." "So... you like her, then?" "............" "Scully?" Scully sighed. "Mulder, she's perfect. That much is obvious just from a first glance. And then you get to know her and she's... she's perfect." Mulder was silent for a moment, staring at the gloomy reflection in his coffee. "She is perfect, isn't she?" "Totally." Scully sipped her own coffee. "So I'd be stupid to dump her, then?" Scully's eyebrows shot to heaven. "Are you going to dump Karen???" "Ssssshhh. She'll wake up." "So you are??!?!?!?!" Scully whispered incredulously. "Well we already established that I'd be stupid to. Do you think I'm that stupid? To let her go?" "No. Not when she's so besotted with you." "She's besotted with me?" "I've never heard anyone talk about one person so many times in such a short space of time. I don't think you could leave her without breaking her heart." "And she's not going to leave me??" Scully sighed again. "Never." Mulder didn't reply verbally, but the hand that wasn't holding the coffee cup lingered above the soft flesh of Scully's thigh, his long fingers gently caressing. "What are you doing?" She asked, figuring that was what she should say. "I don't want Karen." Mulder said, in his throaty voice, cupping her breast through the pale material of her nightshirt. Scully set down her coffee mug, and he did the same. "This is irrational..." She said. His lips caught hers and they fell into a deep, long kiss, leaving Scully to believe that maybe the world wasn't such a crappy place to live after all, and maybe this was the start of a new beginning. She opened her legs for him and they sank down into the soft material of her sofa. ~~~ Scully woke up the next morning to the sound of her bedroom door opening. "Scully???" She turned her head and opened her eyes and saw Mulder standing there, his head around the doorway. "Karen and I are going now. There's coffee in the pot for you and I left some money on your hall table for electric and rent and stuff." "I don't pay rent." Scully said blearily. "You're leaving?" "Yeah." "What about last night? What about Karen?" She asked. Mulder bit his lip. "I changed my mind." "What??" "I changed my mind, I'm not going to leave Karen after all." "So what about me???" Scully sat up straight. Mulder paused and looked at her for a minute, his brow creased into an apologetic frown. "Sorry, Scully." ~~~ Scully was furious. She had driven through the rain to the sports shop to buy another hundred darts, and then had spent the rest of the day hurling them at her battered dartboard, listening to Alanis Morissette's most angry songs. Swoosh Fwump Swoosh Fwump The angrier she got, the nearer she got to the bullseye, and the louder her seriously annoyed singing got. "COS THE JOKE THAT YOU MADE IN THE BED THAT WAS ME AND I'M NOT GONNA FADE AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND YOU KNOW IT." Oh, it was all so deep. Scully's neighbours didn't agree, however. Their exact words, over the phone and through the floor, weren't quite as strong as Scully had expected when the phone rang. If the truth be told, they were more amazed at the incredible noise coming from the tiny small woman who normally seemed so reserved... so... well, *normal*, than the actual noise pollution she was creating. So Scully turned the volume down to number four and listened to early Kylie Minogue LPs whilst eating chocolate for the rest of the evening. ~~~ Scully was ready for work. She had the air of one who had previously been singing song lyrics and really *meaning* them. Mulder was a bastard who deserved to die. And the look on Scully's face as she entered the basement gave the impression that she was, in fact, very, very capable of putting that right. *Very* capable. "Hey, Mulder." Mulder eyed her with suspicion. "I really like what you've been doing with your hair, recently." He said. "Really." Scully sat at her desk and began working instantly. "Are you pissed at me, Scully?" "Ha!" Scully threw her head back and laughed. "Me??????? Ha!" Her big silver paperweight glinted in the corner of her eye. It was a tacky souvenir that Bill had brought her back from Egypt - in the shape of a pyramid. Pyramids have spiky points. Spiky points pierce soft flesh. And Scully knew first hand just how soft Mulder's flesh was. "I reckon you probably hate me right now..." "How's Karen?" Scully interrupted. "What?" "Karen. How is she?" Scully's fingertips grazed the shiny silver pyramid. "She's fine." "So... she didn't fall under a bus, then? Or get in the way of a falling baby grand, or anything?" "It's not Karen's fault." "Oh shut up Mulder." The metal beneath her fingers was warming up. Mulder shut up. He had noticed that Scully was now examining the pyramid closely, and was slightly worried that she might get a bit angry and do something regrettable. "I'm just going... to... uh... going out..." He escaped as quickly as he could. ~~~ After one week of avoiding each other, Mulder had Scully were missing each other. Of course, Scully would never admit that she missed him, because he was an unbelievable bastard and deserved to die in a grey cesspit in hell. And Mulder *couldn't* admit that he missed her, since every time he so much as looked in her direction, she started playing darts - and that was a very dangerous thing. A very *VERY* dangerous thing. And another thing - it was the FBI Hallowe'en dance that evening. Scully had her new green dress, and her new green shoes, and she had a date. Yeah - you heard correctly. She had a *date*. Okay, so it was only Pendrell, but he was highly excited about the whole thing and she was happy to humour him for one night. He picked her up at seven - despite Scully's many attempts to persuade him they should be fashionably late - and he was obviously looking forward to the evening. "Hey Pendrell. Come in." "Wow - your apartment's really nice." "Thanks. I'm not quite ready yet. Make yourself at home, I'll be a minute." She retreated to the bathroom, taking a few minutes to mentally prepare herself. When she emerged, she found Pendrell smelling her sofa. She didn't ask. "You look gorgeous." Pendrell said. "Uh... so do you." "Thanks. Your sofa smells really nice. Just like you." This was going to be a long night. ~~~ They arrived at the hotel where the party was being held, and Scully dumped her camping rucksack in the cloakroom. She had resisted Pendrell's attempts to find out what was in there on the cab ride over. She took off her coat and felt freezing in the pathetically small little dress. Oh yeah - it was just another of those days where she felt short and frumpy and as though everyone was looking at her. If the truth be told, everyone *was* looking at her. Mostly in amazement, in some cases with amusement that someone like Scully was with someone like Pendrell, and one person ran to the bathroom to avoid an embarrassing situation should anyone notice he was standing proud. "Scully, where's Mulder?" Skinner asked, straining to keep his eyes on Scully's face and not her neckline. "I don't know." "Odds were you'd be here with him." Pendrell's already vice-like grip on her arm got even tighter. "Mulder and I have had certain creative differences. Oh, and he's got a girlfriend." "Yeah - saw them before. Lovely girl, don't you think?" "Lovely. Excuse me, I think I need a drink." Scully pulled her arm out from Pendrell's, and escaped over to the bar. The barman raised his eyebrows at her. "I'll have a double." She said. "A double what." "Anything. Make it a triple." "Dana, honey!" It was Karen. "Hi." "Long time no see! Now didn't I tell you that dress was just adorable on you, Sweetie?" Scully pulled at the tiny straps. "I dunno. I feel kinda naked." "Well, you look kinda naked. In the best possible way - everyone's saying how wonderful you look." "Whatever." Karen lowered her voice a little. "I heard that you and Mulder had an argument." "Did he tell you that?" "He didn't have to - I could tell." "We're fine. I just have to go to the bathroom." Scully gulped down her drink. "Hey listen - tell him to meet me later - in the cloakroom - I have to tell him something important. 10:00." Karen frowned a little and smiled a little but agreed. "See ya later, hon." "Sure. Fine. Whatever." ~~~ Swoosh Fwump Swoosh Fwump After three dances with Pendrell, two with Skinner, and several assorted dances with FBI guys she had never met before who spent the entire time trying to get their hands in her pants, Scully was thoroughly pissed off. It was five to ten and she was sitting alone in the cloakroom. She had smuggled her dartboard in, in her rucksack. Her common sense told her that it was too dangerous to play darts against an unlocked door, and that was exactly why she was playing. She had a vivid imagination - far too vivid, in fact. She could imagine Mulder opening the door and the dart getting him right in the eye. She smiled at the image. Swoosh Fwump Click... the doorknob turned. Swoosh Fwump...... oh, but this *fwump* was entirely different to the fwump of dart against board. This was the fwump of dart against flesh. For a second, Scully was paralysed, not wanting to look directly at her victim - not wanting to see exactly who it was. "AAAARRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEOOOOOOHHHHH." The victim said. Scully looked. Oh shit. Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit. Shit. Scully was a doctor. She knew that a dart was probably long enough to do some serious damage if it was embedded right in there. And of all the people she wanted to have to save from certain death, Karen wasn't exactly top of her list. Mulder would be there any second... "It's okay." She said to Karen, who was now sprawled on the floor, a dart embedded in her sternum. "I'll just call for paramedics." She rooted around in her emerald purse for her cellphone, and dialed the nearest hospital. "Help." Karen said, somewhat pathetically. Scully looked back across at her. This could look really bad if someone found them. Clamping the phone between her jawline and her shoulder, she crossed the room and dragged Karen by the ankles so that she was no longer half way through the doorway. She shut the door. "This is Dana Scully, FBI - I need paramedics at the Stones Garden Hotel, DC - and I'm gonna need you to be subtle. No... I said *subtle*......" Scully raised her voice. "I SAID **BE SUBTLE**" She yelled. "The line's breaking up... I said, THE LINE IS BREAKING... Oh forget it. FORGET IT." She bleeped off her phone and looked at Karen. "You okay, sweetie?" Karen was coughing up blood. Assessing the situation, Scully decided it was probably for the best to take the dart out. After all, it hadn't severed any major organs and Scully wanted the memento. It was - she considered - her lucky dart. "I'm going to take the dart out now." Scully said. "It's probably gonna hurt. A lot. But what the hey!? You'll live." She crouched over the paling angel. "Now, take a deep breath - that's it." She wrapped her tiny fingers around her lucky dart and pulled it out, twisting as she did so. "Oops." She said. "Are you okay?" "I don't wanna die..." "Nobody does, honey. Now I'm just gonna stop the bleeding." Scully took a scarf from one of the hooks around the cloakroom, and pressed it against Karen's gaping wound. "...Where's... Mulder...??" Karen asked. "Shush. Don't try to talk. You told Mulder to meet me here, didn't you?" Karen nodded, wincing. "Well then! He'll be here any minute!" The door burst open. "Karen!" He yelled. "Wha... Danny?!?!??" "Pendrell??" Scully frowned. "You two know each other?" Pendrell nodded. "Karen was my wife!" "I thought..." Her sentence was interrupted by some coughing up of blood. "...I thought you were dead..." "I thought you'd left me for Bob." Pendrell said, kneeling down. "Who... who's Bob?" Scully asked, confused? "Bob is my brother - I haven't spoken to him since Karen left me." Pendrell explained. "Danny, I didn't leave you - Bob told me you were dead... That the government had buried your body because of the top secret mission you were involved in when you were killed..." "Bob told me you were both living together in Wisconsin... What's going on here?" "Oh." Scully bit her lip. "I accidentally stabbed Karen in the chest with a dart." "Oh My God - are you okay, sweetie?" "I'm fine." Karen said. "Dana's stopping the bleeding." "Everything's fine. Can you get Mulder?" "Mulder?" Pendrell frowned. "I thought you guys had had an argument?" "We have. But Mulder is Karen's date and I think he should know she's lying here bleeding, don't you?" Pendrell's eyebrows shot so high that some of the ceiling plaster fell down. "Go!" Scully said, exasperated, and Pendrell ran off. ~~~ Scully was still in the cloakroom three hours later, propped up against the wall. She had had too much to drink, and she had stabbed Mulder's girlfriend, and things were looking shitty. "Scully?" A voice came through the coats. "Fuck off." "It's me." "I know. Leave me alone." "Scully..." "I've got darts." She threatened. Mulder paused. "Karen has left me." He announced, still hidden by the remaining garments hanging up. "What's your point?" "She's... she's still officially married to Pendrell, y'see - and seeing him again just made her love him more." He explained. "So what now?" "Well, they're going to tell Bob that Karen died and..." "Shut up. I mean... are you going to apologise to me or what?" "I already did!" Mulder protested. "Anyway - I think you ought to apologise for stabbing my... ...Karen." "I'm not apologising to you. I didn't do it out of spite - she got in my way." Scully twisted the bloodied dart around in her fingers. "Fine, whatever, but I already did apologise to you." "Well I want you to apologise properly." Mulder sighed. "Okay - I'm very sorry." "I said *properly*." Scully said. "You have to say, 'Scully, I'm very sorry I used you and treated you like shit and drank all your milk before I left your apartment.'" "Scully, I'm *very* sorry I used you and treated you like shit. And it was actually Karen who had the last of the milk but I'm *very* sorry for that anyway." "Where are you, Mulder?" "I'm next to a lime green parka." "I'm over in the corner. Can you find me?" "Am I forgiven?" "...I guess so." "I'll find you." It took Mulder a minute, but he finally did find Scully. "Have you got any alcohol?" "Not on me - but the bar's still open." Mulder sat down. "Maybe later then." Scully closed her eyes and lay back along the bench. "I hate you, y'know." "I thought you forgave me." "Even so." "Uh... Scully..." "What?" "You might wanna sit up a bit - that dress is a bit... well... small." Scully smiled. "Karen chose it. I'm sorry she left you." "No you're not. You hated her." "Yeah. Yeah, I did." Scully confessed. "Scully... um... are you going to sit up? You're kinda distracting me." "Tough. I'm comfortable." "...Would it be unacceptable to take advantage of you at this point, Scully?" "Yes." Scully paused. "Then again, I'm quite drunk and for all I know you are too, and I *have* forgiven you, and Karen's gone, and so has Pendrell, and my dress is kinda annoying me and there's no-one around, is there?" "Nup." "I think I just talked myself into something I'll regret." "Great." "C'mere, Mulder." Mulder obliged. "Scully..." "What?" "Will you teach me how to play darts?" "Okay." Scully wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. "Now help me get out of this dress." Once again, Mulder obliged. ~~~ "No, you're doing it wrong." Scully persisted. "How can I be? Don't you think I know what I'm doing?" Scully was utterly exasperated. "Well don't you think *I* know that you're doing it wrong??" "So what am I doing wrong?" "I DON'T KNOW." Scully was exasperation personified. "Maybe it's my wrist action." Mulder suggested. "I've been training you for weeks now. If it was your wrist action you'd just be... *hopeless*." Mulder threw himself back down onto Scully's bed. "Maybe I'm just not meant to be a darts player." Scully sat next to him. "Well I hardly expected I'd be good at it. I was just..." A lightbulb pinged above her head. "Hey! I figured why I was so good at it - I was really, really psychotically angry!" "But... I'm not angry at all." Mulder said. "Oh come on - you have so many things to be angry about." "Like what?" "Like your shit life, for a start." "But I'm just so *happy*." "No you're not." "Yes I am." "You're *so* not." "I so am!!!" "Oh come on Mulder. You couldn't possibly be happy." "Why the hell not???" "Well, *I* wouldn't be happy, if I were you." "Dammit I *am* happy, Scully." "Really?" Scully asked cynically. "HEY LISTEN! IF I SAY I'M HAPPY, I'M FUCKING HAPPY, OKAY??" Scully gave Mulder a dart. "I don't see how you can be happy. If I were you, I'd be suicidal." "BELIEVE ME!!!!! I'M HAPPY!!!!!!!!!" Scully gave a disbelieving snort and Mulder started to look like he was going to kill something. She pointed him at the dartboard. Swoosh Fwump Bullseye. "Maybe there's a dart player in you after all, hey?" "I love you, Scully." "I love you too." ~~~The End~~~ Alisha xoxox 'The One With The Constant Chandlerismising' Could it *be* more endearing???? kleinjan@btinternet.com The lyrics are for one of my best friends, Linda. Sorry, hon - 'Ironic' just wasn't an ***angry*** enough song, y'know?? And 'Not The Doctor' didn't make any sense ;-) The goldfish must've been on strike when I wrote this one. The paramedic conversation was for my dearest friend Terri, without whom etc, etc. "Chivalry is not dead." "Shut up." Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry