Subject: NEW Into the Black Abyss II by Lavinia Paige PG 1/3
From: Lavinia627@aol.com
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 1997 03:59:11 GMT

Title:  "Into the Black Abyss II: Coming Back" (1/3)
Author:  Lavinia Paige  (Lavinia627@aol.com)
Rating:  PG
Classification:  SRA
Keywords:  Mulder/Scully romance
Summary:  Mulder must help Scully deal with her life-threatening
disorder.


I'm back folks with part two of "Into the Black Abyss."  I hope you
enjoy it.  If you haven't read the first part of this story, go find
it!  Otherwise, you won't really understand this one.

WARNING:  Part two also deals with anorexia nervosa.  Scully and
Mulder angst reaches its peak here.  So if you think the dynamic duo
are made of stone, I advise you not to read this.  Now, I've gotten
many comments on the first part of this story stating that Scully
would not really act this way.  Believe me, I know that, folks.  I am
just writing a story, and I personally don't think the
characterization has to be totally accurate for fanfic...at least, my
fanfic :).  So, again, if you don't like reading about Mulder and
Scully acting mushy <oh, and at times, acting incredibly, beyond
belief mushy>, do not read the story.

Disclaimer:  All characters used in this work of fiction belong to
Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox.  I'm just using them in a
scenario that WOULD NEVER HAPPEN on the series.

PLEASE send all comments to: Lavinia627@aol.com

***I should mention that the doctor's definition of anorexia nervosa
is copied verbatim from *The New Grolier Multimedia Encyclopedia* and
was written by Herbert Weiner, M.D.

Also, some of the symptoms of anorexia nervosa I wrote of are made up.
They *could* possibly be real, but I have no medical text to back them
up.

	_______________________________________________________


"Coming Back" Part 1/3


	*Don't you worry, Dana.  We'll get through this together--I
promise*

				***

	"Anorexia nervosa," the doctor pointedly explained, "is a
psychosomatic disorder characterized by self-starvation.  It occurs
most commonly among adolescent females but is also observed in older
women and in men.  The disorder may appear when a young woman leaves
home, or it may develop in connection with mental depression, peer
pressure to lose weight, sexual temptation, the use of psychedelic
drugs, or the discontinuance of oral contraceptives..."
	Mulder listened intently to the doctor's explanation as he sat
on the hospital bed with Scully.  Looking down at her, he saw her
staring blankly at their joined hands.  Giving her frail hand a little
squeeze, he saw her look up at him with a far away look in her eyes.
He gave her a reassuring smile and turned his attention back to the
doctor.  He wanted--no, needed--to know everything about this
terrifying disease that was killing his partner--his friend--his love.
	"At the outset, the patient either stops menstruating or
simply refuses to eat.  She may lose weight to the point of
life-threatening exhaustion.  The patient sleeps poorly but, despite
weight loss, remains physically active and believes she is much fatter
than she actually is..."
	He glanced down at her small body.  She was not much bigger
than a twelve year old kid.  His heart ached as a little wave of
shivers rippled through her body.  He knew this was one of the
symptoms of anorexia she would face--the doctor had already
explained that.  But still, reading and hearing about the disorder was
completely different than experiencing it firsthand.
	"The symptoms may suggest that anorexia nervosa may sometimes
be associated with a disorder of the hypothalamus, a region of the
brain that regulated menstruation, eating, body temperature, and
sleep.  About half of all anorexic patients recover permanently.
About ten percent die of self-starvation, and the rest have repeated
relapses."
	The doctor looked up from his reading to the two people on the
bed, "Are there any questions?"
	"No, I don't think so..."  Mulder answered for them both. 
"Thank you, doctor."
	He nodded, closing Scully's medical folder.  "We will initiate
the second sustenance IV in about an hour."
	When the door had shut and they were finally alone, Mulder
shifted to put his arm around her shoulders.  Her eyes were still
blank from emotion.  
	"You OK, Dana?"  he asked, kissing the top of her head.
	She finally responded with a whimper and buried her face in
his chest.
	"I don't like it here, Mulder," she said with the voice of a
scared child.  "It frightens me.  The doctors scare me, too.  And I am
sick of this IV in my arm all the time."
	He stoked her hair.  "I know it's hard, baby.  But listen, I'm
here, and I'm not going anywhere...so don't be afraid."
	"How long will I have to stay here?"
	"Until you're *aaall* better."  He found himself talking to
her as if she really was just a child.
	"But...will I get better?" she asked, pulling away from him
and looking him straight in the eye.
	He took in a quick breath.  "Of course you will!  Don't think
that way!"  
	He tried to lighten the mood she had just created.  "Anyway, I
already told you I can't live without you, so you have no choice
but to get better."
	A small smile graced her features, and his heart leapt with
joy.  To see her smile during this trying time was truly a gift from
God.	
     	She tucked herself back in the crook of his arm and
yawned.  "I'm so sleepy..."
	"Then go to sleep, Dana.  I will be right here when you wake
up."
	Needing no more encouragement, she closed her eyes and was
asleep within minutes.
	Just as he was about to join her in a much needed rest, the
door slowly opened, and the pale face of Margaret Scully appeared from
outside the room.  Maggie scanned the room, her gaze finally resting
on Fox Mulder holding her tiny daughter in his strong arms.
	"Fox?" she asked, timidly walking into the room.
	"Come in, Mrs. Scully." He motioned for her to enter.  "You
just missed, Dana.  She was awake a few minutes ago."
	Maggie reached out and stroked her daughter's forearm.  "My
poor baby..."  Tears flooded her eyes as her lower lip trembled.
"Ohhh,  Fox...I had no idea.  Why didn't I see this?"
	Mulder grasped her hand.  "Dana made it a point to avoid both
you and me.  She didn't want *anybody* to know...It's not your fault
you didn't see it."
	She nodded slowly, looking directly at him.  "And you know
it's not your fault either, right, Fox?"
	Turning his gaze from her, he found her words searing a hole
in his heart.  She was right, it wasn't his fault.  Every time he
thought of this woman in his arms, though, he couldn't help to think
that he should have noticed sooner...that he could have done something
to prevent this...that he should have been more sensitive to her
feelings.  So in a way, he *did* feel it was his fault.
	Maggie noticed right away that he did indeed think it was his
fault.  
	"Fox Mulder," she said sternly, "don't you dare go blaming
yourself!  I know that's what you're thinking right now. Dana doesn't
need you to do this to yourself.  She needs your complete
attention--to focus on the situation at hand--and nothing more."
	He nodded, silently thanking her for trying to diminish his
doubtful thoughts.
	Sitting on the other side of the bed, Maggie took her
daughter's hand.
	*I never thought this could happen to my baby girl. 
Anorexia...such a horrible word...she shouldn't have to face this*
	"What is her condition right now?"  
	Mulder swallowed hard.  "Not good, Mrs. Scully.  The, um,
doctors can't determine if she will recover yet.  They are constantly
giving her liquids, and every two hours they give her food nutrients
through her IV.  Since we got here late last night, the doctors have
administered every type of test, and it is definitely a severe case of
anorexia nervosa--"
	She stopped him.  "But how is she doing emotionally, Fox?"
	"That I can't really figure out.  She is here in body when the
doctors talk to us about the anorexia, but I don't know if she is
listening.  She has regressed to talking like child, Mrs. Scully.  It
is probably some type of adjustment mechanism...she doesn't like this
environment at all.  She is scared to be left alone for two
minutes--that is definitely not her normal behavior."
	Before he could continue, Scully began to restlessly shift in
the bed.  Her eyes blinked open, momentarily confused.
	"Dana, honey?"  Maggie whispered, pushing the hair away from
her forehead.  
	"Mom..." she rasped, still not fully conscious.
	"Yes, baby, it's me.  How are you feeling?"
	Her lower lip trembled, and a fresh batch of tears formed in
her eyes.  "Not so good...I'm so sorry, Mom..."
	Mulder extracted himself from his partner as gently as he
could as Mrs. Scully drew her into a loving mother-to-child embrace.
	"Shhhh,"  she rocked her limp body, "it's OK, sweety, I'm
hear..."
	Mulder watched as Mrs. Scully soothed her only living
daughter.   He felt tears prickle his eyes at the affection the woman
expressed.  She was full of so much love.  It was not just love for
Dana, but a love for him, too.  She gave him the compassion and caring
that he never received from his own mother.  And now, he knew that
love would help save Dana.
	At that moment, Dr. Roberts knocked and opened the door
simultaneously.  
	"Mr. Mulder, could I speak to you for a minute?"
	Mulder nodded and turned towards the two women.
	"Um...I'll be back in a few minutes."
	Maggie nodded as he turned to leave the room.
	Doctor Eugene Roberts, Scully's regular doctor since her
abduction, stood outside of the room.
	"Mr. Mulder, I feel I should talk to you away from Dana."
	"All right, doctor...what is this about?"
	Roberts motioned to two chairs across the hall.  Sitting down,
Mulder noticed the obvious apprehension in the doctor's face.  He
seemed really worried and had trouble looking Mulder in the eye.
	"Mr. Mulder, I feel I must let you know some things about this
condition--things Dana should not hear."
	Mulder nodded, eager for him to continue.
	"Anorexia nervosa is in itself a physical problem... However,
it is classified as a mental disorder.  Even today, we don't truly
understand what goes on in the heads of the inflicted.  We do know
that the patient's mind will tell her to not eat, and she can do
nothing to change her mind.  When she looks into the mirror, she will
see herself as fat, when in reality she does not have an ounce of fat
on her.  Eventually, the patient will become so skinny, her face,
arms, and legs will begin to swell.  This adds to the psychosis even
more.  Thankfully, we have gotten to Dana before this occurred..."
	"Now, as you know, Dana has been given food through an IV. 
However, in the next few days, we have to start feeding her *real*
food.  The food we give her at first will not be anything you and I
would care to eat; it will basically be like baby food--strained and
soft, something that will go down the esophagus with ease..."
	Roberts paused and allowed Mulder to absorb all the
information.  
	"Doctor," he spoke just as the doctor was going to continue. 
"Why are you telling me this information in Scully's absence?  I mean,
it doesn't seem like anything we haven't already heard."
	"On the contrary, Mr. Mulder, it is quite different from what
you were both told.  You have to understand that Dana will not be
cooperative in our endeavors to give her actual food.  Right now, the
IV is giving her nourishment, but her mind isn't registering that she
is being fed.  When we attempt to feed her orally, she will definitely
put up a fight."
	Mulder's brow furrowed.  "It seems to me that she would take
the food in an effort to get better."
	Dr. Roberts shook his head.  "She no longer has the will to do
that.  The disease has so warped her thinking, she cannot make *right*
decisions anymore.  Someone will have to make those decisions for
her--mainly, the nurses and myself."
	Mulder remained silent for a few moments.  He felt a dull ache
in the pit of his stomach.
	*Dana no longer has the will to get better?  How can that be? 
She was always so strong--this can't be happening to her*
	*But you know that this Dana Scully is not the same. She is
different.  She cries at the bat of an eye, she talks like a child,
she needs to be held, she is scared to be alone...the list goes on and
on*
	*I don't know this Dana Scully...*
	Suddenly, he became aware that the doctor was trying to get
his attention.
	"Mr. Mulder?" he asked for the third time.
	His head snapped up.  "Yes...sorry...uh, what is it?"
	"I was just saying that is all I needed to say right now.
You're free to go back in."
	He stood up, his mind in a haze.  "Yes, thank you, doctor."
	As he approached the door to her room, he felt something he
had never felt before. 
	He suddenly realized he was genuinely terrified of her.  She
was not his Scully--she was an aberration, an abomination of what she
used to be.  She has no will to exist, no will to listen, and no will
to love...
	*No, not your Scully*
	And it scared the hell out of him.  



End part (1/3)


"Into the Black Abyss II: Coming Back" (2/3)   
By:  Lavinia Paige (Lavinia627@aol.com) 

Disclaimer in part 1




He watched as she slowly opened her eyes from a late afternoon
nap.  Smiling down at her, he took her hand in his.

"Hey, sleepyhead...how's it going?"

She returned the smile.  "All right, because you're here."

"Wow, Scully, you really know how to boost a man's ego," he said,
laughing out loud.

His genuine laugh was suddenly punctuated by a loud growling sound.
It filled the room for a few seconds and then disappeared.  Scully's
eyebrow furrowed slightly as she tried to place the sound.  

Then she knew what it was. 

"Mulder...I heard that.  When was the last time you have eaten?"

He looked away from her, obviously embarrassed.  When was the last
time he had eaten?  He had no idea.

"Come on, Scully, that was nothing...I'm OK, really."

Shaking her head, she sat up in the bed.  She was not buying it.  He
had to eat.

"Fox Mulder, I will never speak to you again if you don't march
straight down to the cafeteria this instant and eat something." 

To emphasize her threat, she turned slightly away from him.

He knew he would not win this battle.  One thing that wasn't different
about this Dana Scully was the fact that she was stubborn.

Standing up and releasing her hand, he couldn't resist.

"Well, well, isn't it ironic that *you* are the one telling me to
eat..." he smirked.

The instant he said it, he regretted it.  He watched as her face
slowly twisted in pain.

*Uh oh...you really screwed up this time, Mulder...*

Scully turned farther away from him, trying to stop the tears.  

It didn't work.

She covered her face with her hands, unable to control the sobbing.

He immediately put his arms around her.

"Oh, Dana, I am *so* sorry...I was so stupid to say that...please
don't cry, baby, that was very poor taste on my part...I swear I
didn't mean anything by it...oh, please, look at me Scully..."

When she finally looked up at him, he felt a wave of both relief and
guilt.

*Not your Scully*

Finally speaking, she said, "It's OK, Mulder..I-I deserved that..."

"No, no--you absolutely did not.  Please forgive me, Dana.  I never
meant to hurt you.  I was trying to be funny, but I guess it didn't
work."

"I forgive you," she said without hesitation.

"Thank you..." he said, kissing her lightly on the forehead. "Um, I
can understand if you never want to talk to me again."

She looked meaningfully into his eyes. "I have to talk to you.  You
are the only one who is keeping me sane, Mulder.  I need you." She
hugged him affectionately. 

He held her for a long time before he spoke.

"It seems like anything I say anymore ruins the lives of those I
love," he muttered, more to himself than her.

Looking up, she gave him a strange look.  "What do you mean by that?"

It would be so easy to brush the subject away with an "oh it means
nothing," but he realized he had to be honest. Trust and honesty was
the bond that would keep them together.  He had to tell her...

"Dana..." he hesitantly began, "I've been thinking about your problem
long and hard the last couple of days.  Mainly, I've tried to figure
out why I didn't notice sooner."

She started to say something, but he silenced her with a finger to her
lips.

"No, please let me finish.  As I said before, I wanted to know why I
didn't notice your problem before I did.  But more than that, I
wracked my brain for the 'when' and 'why' this happened in the first
place.  I mean, Scully, you are a doctor, and I know that you realize
that what you were doing was wrong..."

He had to pause for a moment.  He was starting to feel a deep
ache settle into his chest and throat.  This was going to be
difficult.

"So, I thought back, going over every time we spent together, trying
to discover when this actually occurred...and then I remembered
something."

He looked down at his hands.  This hurt so bad.  To think that all of
this was his fault.

"Dana, I remember now what I said to you that night six months ago in
the diner.  I made a big fuss over amounts of fat in a salad...and I
remember saying that all women usually feel conscious about how much
food they eat a day.  I-I never realized how hard that hit you...I-I
can't believe all this time it has been my--"

"No!" she interjected harshly.  "Don't say it, Fox. Please don't blame
yourself."

Pain shadowed his features.  "But, Dana, what I said..."

"No," she said a little softer.  "What you said was not what made me
sick."

*Blast his photographic memory!*

She thought about her next words before she spoke.  There were two
options.  She could either totally lie and tell him it had nothing to
do with what he said, or she could tell him the truth...

In the end, she opted for the truth.  It would hurt for her to tell
him, but she could never lie to him again.

"I admit," she let out a breath. "I admit that it was partially what
you said."  

She held a hand up.  "But let me finish.  Mulder, what you said made
me self conscious inside, but only briefly.  And then when the
waitress came to our table, I saw the things she had that I didn't.  I
thought those things were more important to you than other things.  I
wasn't thinking logically, Mulder. That night after dinner, I decided
to go on a small diet.  I knew it wouldn't make me taller or bustier,
but I thought it would make me feel better.  As the weeks passed, I
wasn't feeling better about myself.  The weight just kept dropping.  I
became paranoid that you would find out...I was so afraid to see
anyone...it became a horrible secret that I had to keep within myself.
At first, I could have possibly done it to make myself more attractive
to you.  After a while, though, I didn't want you to even look at me."

Little tears collected around her eyes as she looked up at him. 

"I would rather die than watch you blame yourself for this.  You
showed your concern all throughout those months, and I pushed you
away.  *I* did this to myself, not you--not anyone--but me."

He took her face in his hands.  "Dana, you have always been beautiful
to me--from the moment I first laid eyes on you.  I *never* want you
to forget that.  You say you did this to yourself, and I am trying to
believe that.  The only thing I know for sure, though, is that *we*
will make you better."

Smiling through tears, she gave him a huge bear hug.  

*He loves you so much, Dana*

After a few moments of silence, she pulled away, preparing to lighten
the moment.  "Now, Mulder, don't think I forgot.  Go to lunch now,
before I have a nurse personally escort you there." 

He stood up again, whining the entire time.  "OK, OK, warden, I'm
going."  

"Ha, ha very funny."

He squeezed her hand lightly and walked to the door, turning around to
see her one last time.

"I'll be back soon.  Don't go anywhere."

"I'll be waiting."

				***

Lunch at the hospital cafeteria was pretty uneventful. When he had
entered, the crowd was just clearing out.  He had gotten a ham
sandwich and a soda out of the vending machines and eaten in silence.
The meal had helped his hunger, and he trusted his stomach would not
be making noises again for a while.

He felt better now that he had talked to her about how she first got
sick.  Her explanation still bothered him, though.  It was as if she
was trying very hard not to place the blame.  He knew she would be
furious if she knew he still had doubts. Hopefully, they would be able
to talk about it when she was fully recovered.

As he walked back to Dana's room, he felt a strange air all around
him.  It was as if something was wrong--something was going to happen.

Suddenly, loud cries of anguish echoed through the halls and filled
his ears.  It took him only seconds to realize they were coming from
Dana's room.

"No, NO! Stop please!" he heard her strangled cry.

He barreled down the hallway towards the door, utterly convinced that
someone had a knife to her and was about to skin her alive.

Rounding the corner, he stopped dead in his tracks.  What he saw
shocked him.

Two frustrated nurses stood before Dana's bed.  The first nurse was
trying to hold Dana's wrists to the side of her body while the second
was speaking to her.  Dana, for her part, would not listen.  She kept
shaking her head and saying 'no'.  She tried to pull free of the first
nurse's grasp but was having no success.  The old Scully could have
easily taken the pudgy woman, but this Scully was too weak to do much
of anything--except scream.

Mulder did not stay stationary for too long.  Before he knew it, he
was in the room.

"What is going on here?!" he demanded from anyone who would choose to
answer.

Scully heard him right away.  "MULDER!" she yelled.  "GET THEM AWAY
FROM ME!!!"

He made eye contact with her.  Her face had grown bright red, and she
was trembling with anger and...fear?

*She looks terrified!*

"Nurse!" he spoke a little louder.  "Can you please tell me what the
hell you are doing to her?!"

The woman who did not have the task of holding Scully turned around
and faced him.  She looked annoyed at the fact he was interrupting.

"All we are trying to do, *sir*, is feed Miss Scully.  However, she is
not cooperating, as you can see."

He suddenly understood.  Peering around the nurse, he saw a small dish
of untouched orangish goop on the bedside table.  He had almost
forgotten the conversation he had with Dr. Roberts.  

*The doctor said she would resist*

*The doctor said she has no will to eat*

*The doctor said she needs to do this to live*

"I didn't know Dr. Roberts was going to start feeding her today."

"Well, he had to start earlier than expected," she said sharply.

"Why?"

"Because Miss Scully has not gotten enough nutrients from the IV.  Her
body is not improving fast enough.  The situation is becoming
critical."

His heart dropped to his stomach.

*Critical?  So soon?*

All he could do was nod.

The nurse turned back to her job.  Picking up the dish, she spooned
out a small portion of the *goop* and held it up before Scully.

"Now, I'm going to say this once again, Miss Scully.  Would you please
open your mouth and swallow this."

Scully rapidly shook her head, staring at Mulder.  She kicked in rage
as the nurse inched closer.  Opening her mouth wide to scream, the
uniformed woman took the opportunity to shove the spoon into her
mouth.

"NOOOO!" Scully shrieked, spitting the food back out.  It flew and
splattered directly onto the nurse's clean white shirt. 

Mulder intervened before the situation got any more out of hand.

"Excuse me?  Could you please let her go for a minute?" he forcefully
removed the first nurse's hands from Dana's wrists. 

"May I please have a moment alone with her?" he asked politely.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but I don't think--"

He cut her off angrily.  *I have no patience for this*  "All I need
are a few damn minutes!"

Both nurses nodded and backed out of the room, one of them wrinkling
her nose as she attempted to wipe the food from her clothing.

As soon as they were gone, he turned around and stared into her eyes.
She was sobbing softly, hiccuping every few seconds.  Meeting his
gaze, she waited for him to say something. 

Sighing softly, he walked over to her bed. "Dana, do you want to tell
me what that was just about?" 	

She could not tell what he was feeling inside.  His expression was
blank.  She could feel the grief choking her again.

"Ohhhh, Mulder," she whimpered.  "I was trying to sleep...when they
came in...they woke me up...said it was time to eat...I got so scared
when they said that...I didn't know what to do...I felt trapped and
alone..."

He reached out and pushed away the tears that streamed down her 
cheeks.

"They wouldn't let me think...they held me down...told me I had better
eat or they would make me...Oh, Mulder, I was so terrified...I
couldn't even look at the food..."

After a few minutes of silence, he pulled her into his arms.  Running
his fingers through her hair, he realized he had to calm her down,
because the two women would be back soon.

"You are OK now...I'm here,"  He rubbed the small of her back.  "I'm
sorry I wasn't here.  I would have been if I had known Dr. Roberts was
going to do this today."

She jerked her head up to look at his face.  "So you knew they were
going to feed me?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes, yes I did.  The doctor explained to me that you would need to do
this soon, but I didn't realize it would be *this* soon."

Withdrawing from his hold, her brows furrowed in anger.  "You mean to
tell me that you knew about this the whole time and you didn't tell
me?"

"Scully, I only did it--"

She cut him off.  "I can't believe it.  I just cannot believe that you
would do this behind my back!  What else did you two talk about
without me?!"

*It's the disease talking, Mulder, not Scully*

"I thought I could trust you!  You didn't tell me this was coming!"

"Dana, please, let me explain..."

Pushing him away from her, she turned and talked to the wall. "No, I
don't want to see you right now...just leave me alone..."

He stood up from the bed.  "No, I am not going to leave you,
especially when those nurses will be back any minute now."

She let out a bitter laugh.  "I am sure as hell not going to let them
in here again.  There is no way they are going to give me any of that
crap."

Anger was quickly rising in him, making the blood pump faster in his
veins and his pulse quicken.  These impromptu mood swings of hers were
making him lose all patience he had developed over the past few days.
She just had to be so incredibly stubborn. 

Grabbing her by the shoulders, he roughly pulled her so their faces
were almost touching. 

"Do you honestly think that what you want matters here, Dana?  They
are not going to listen to you.  They will *make* you eat.  Believe
me, you gave up your will to make decisions as soon as you set foot in
this hospital!"

With that, he let her go and stormed out of the room.  He couldn't
deal with this right now.  It hurt too badly.  Leaning against the
outside door frame, he thought of something she had said earlier:

*You are the only one who is keeping me sane, Mulder.  I need you*

He sighed heavily, feeling the now familiar wave of guilt crash
against his heart.

*She needs you and look what you've done.  Your anger has hurt her.
You lost control too easily.  You can't be this unstable around her*

At that moment, the nurses decided to make an appearance.

"Well, sir, now we do have to do our job."

"Stop!" he said suddenly, afraid that Scully would find a way to kill
them if they attempted to go back into her room. 

"Please, can you wait until I talk to Dr. Roberts?"

"Sir, I *am* sorry, but we have specific orders."

"Please...I need to see him before you do it.  I might have a way to
make Dana cooperate."

The nurses must have seen the look of worry in his eyes, because they
finally agreed.  

"We will contact Dr. Roberts immediately."

While he waited for the doctor, Mulder decided he had to face the
music.  He had to go back into that room.

Stepping inside quietly, he saw her curled on her side in a fetal
position.  She was not asleep, but she did not look up at him.

He sat down in the chair beside the bed, silently waiting until she
was ready to talk.

Scully, for her part, had sensed his presence when he sat down.  She
was so angry--more at herself than at him.  The anorexia had totally
changed her.  She was acting like a baby--refusing food, spitting at
the nurses, crying every other minute.  She did not like these new
aspects of her personality, but there was no way she could change
them.

*Not without him*

The realization that she could not help herself but had to be helped
made her more angry.  All through her life, she didn't have to take
from anyone.  She was independent and hard as stone.  No one broke her
and rarely had she ever succumbed to pressure.  Now, though, she had
to rely on others for everything.  She was even too weak to get up and
go to the bathroom by herself.  

Mulder was there now, more than willing to help.  But she didn't want
it, did she?  His anger over her recent behavior was understandable,
but he didn't realize what it was truly like for her.  	

He startled her from her thoughts when he spoke.

"Scully, I know that you don't want me to be here right now..."

*Oh, but I do, Mulder*

"But I just can't leave you after I lost my temper like that. I'm
sorry that I lost control."

"*You* are not the one who lost control, Mulder," he heard her muffled
response. 	

An uncomfortable silence filled the room.  He thought it best to wait
it out.

Turning around to face him, Scully reflexively avoided his eyes. "I
should not have acted like such a baby back there. I know the nurses
were only following orders.  It is just so hard to explain the panic
that consumed me when I saw that food."

He nodded, understanding how the psychosis worked.  To eat was the
right thing to do, but to actually do it seemed horrific.

"I've been thinking about my control, Mulder, and I realize now that I
can't be independent anymore.  After you saw that I was ill, I thought
I could surrender my will to yours.  But my behavior has suggested
that I have not done it yet..."

She met his gaze.  "It is just so hard to give up control when you
have had it your entire life."

"I know," he said, touching her arm.  "You have always been strong,
Scully.  So much stronger than me.  And I can't imagine the hurt you
must be feeling.  I just want you to know that no one is condemning
you for giving up a little control, especially not me."

Before either of them could speak further, the door opened and the
face of Dr. Roberts appeared.

"Mr. Mulder, you wanted to speak to me?"

"Yes, doctor, please come in.  I want Dana to be here while we talk."

Dr. Roberts sat down on the other side of the bed, looking at Scully.

"Dana, I heard you have refused to eat.  You know that is not good."

"Doctor," Mulder interjected, "that is what I wanted to talk to you
about.  I was wondering if I could personally feed Dana her meals.  To
have a familiar person do it for her might make her feel more
comfortable with it."

It actually seemed as if the doctor considered his words.  But in the
end, he shook his head fervently.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Mulder, but I don't think that is an option.  You see,
it is strict hospital policy that our faculty feed her meals.  I
wouldn't want to jeopardize that policy."

"But, doctor," he protested, "can't you make an exception?"

"I'm sorry..." was his only response. 

"No, doctor, I don't think you understand."  He stood up to address
the man.  "Dana has adamantly refused to take food from your nurses,
and I can understand why.  They are rude, using force instead of
compassion.  Personally, I believe they need a refresher course in
bedside manner."

The doctor just looked at him.

*How can I get through to this man?*

"Look, to make Dana anymore upset than she already is would be a
hazard to her health.  She doesn't want to be in this hospital,
bedridden for the next I don't know how many months.  She wants to get
better, but she won't if she's not treated better.  *I* can treat her
how she needs to be treated.  Please, doctor, just let me do this one
little thing for her...so I know I am helping in some small way."

This time, Roberts really did consider Mulder's words. He looked back
from Mulder to Dana and saw for the first time the bond they shared.
By just watching their body language--the soft touches and looks--he
knew they were very, very close.  He could see that she trusted only
him, and in turn, he trusted only her.

"All right, Mr. Mulder," he said finally. "You may feed her meals, but
it stops there, do you hear me?"

A bright grin broke on his face.  "Oh, yes, sir.  Thank you so much."

Roberts nodded, standing and leaving the room. 	Mulder's eyes followed
the doctor out of the room, then turned down to look at her.  To his
delight, she was smiling at him.

"That was some smooth talking, Mulder," was all she said.

"I know," he replied smugly, "and I meant every word of it."

He watched as she blushed slightly.

"Hey, are you OK now?" he asked, referring to their conversation prior
to the doctor's arrival.

She nodded slowly.  "I guess I'm all right for now.  I apologize for
putting up such a fuss over what you and the doctor talked about
without me.  It has been hard to control my moods lately.  Under
normal circumstances, I wouldn't have flipped out like that."

"It's all right, believe me. So..." he trailed off and toyed with a
strand of her hair, "how about if I forgive you, you forgive *me* for
losing my cool..."

Sitting up on the bed, she stuck out her hand.  "I think that is a
fair deal, Agent Mulder."

He chuckled as he took her hand and squeezed it tightly.


End part (2/3)

"Into the Black Abyss II: Coming Back" (3/3)
By:  Lavinia Paige  (Lavinia 627@aol.com)
Disclaimer in part 1



	Mrs. Scully sat by her daughter as the nurse approached,
bearing a tray of small dishes.  Each dish held a different color
mush--orange, green, red, and yellow.
	"You must eat all of this, Miss Scully," the nurse said curtly
before leaving the room.
	Mulder, seated on her other side, reached for the tray and set
it in front of himself.
	"OK, Dana, what do you want to start with?"
	She did not respond and he sighed.  She was in another one of
her depressed, 'I don't feel like talking to anybody' moods.  He
helplessly looked at her mother, at a loss of what to do.
	Maggie's heart went out to Fox.  He was trying so hard to make
this painless for her daughter.  When Dana wasn't cooperating, though,
she knew he thought it was his fault.
	"Dana, honey, come on now...it's time for this.  It's been put
off long enough.  So, what do you want first--your peas, carrots,
strawberries, or bananas.
	Scully glared at her mother.  "Mother, that," she pointed to
the bowls, "is NOT food."
	"Maybe not," the elder Scully said sternly, "but you will eat
it anyway."
	Dana sighed heavily and stared at the dishes before her.  
	*Why was this so hard?  All I have to do is open my mouth and
swallow.  It can't be that bad...*
	"OK, Mulder, I think I'm ready," she said, propping herself up
on the bed.  "I'll start with the bananas."
	A bright grin broke out on his face.  Finally, they were
getting somewhere.  Taking a plastic spoon from the tray, he scooped
up a teaspoon of the mush.
	"We'll start small."  
	He brought the food to her lips.  When those lips did not
part, he was not that surprised.  He just held it there, letting her
fight her own demons.  No matter how much he wanted to help her, he
knew he could not do everything for her.  Mainly, he couldn't get into
her head and convince the voice to eat.  She had to do that alone.
	The next few minutes passed agonizingly slow.  Dana could not
take her eyes off the bananas before her.  She had tried to open her
mouth at least ten times now, and it wasn't happening.  
	*Come on, Dana.  Would you be strong for once?!*
	She tightly shut her eyes and opened her mouth, her breathe
quickening at the effort.  Mulder took the opportunity to place the
spoon into her mouth.  The goop slid off the utensil and onto her
tongue.
	"Dana, the worst is over.  Now all you need to do is swallow.
Come on, you're almost there," he encouraged.
	Maggie grabbed the Dana's hand and squeezed.  "Come on, baby,
it's almost over."
	Her brows furrowed slightly, and she concentrated on allowing
the food to slide down her throat.  Ever so slowly, the bananas slid
to the back of her tongue.  It took a large amount of effort to get
the food farther down, for the muscles of her esophagus were so out of
use.  
	As she pushed the food down, she let out a soft groan and then
a gasp.  She didn't realize how much it would hurt to move those
muscles.  The bananas burned against her throat.  Her eyes shot open
and watered at the effort she had just expended.
	Once he was certain she had swallowed, his heart leapt with
joy.
	"You did it, Dana!" he said enthusiastically.  He leaned over
and kissed her cheek, bringing a slight blush to her face.
	"Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you!" her mother exclaimed as
tears sprinkled her cheeks.
	Mulder scooped up another slightly larger spoonful.  He teased
her by waving the spoon in front of her face.
	"The airplane's coming in for a landing," he quipped.
	She put her hand up and stopped the spoon from moving.  "Don't
go there, Mulder," she said, smiling softly.
	He nodded and put the spoon into her mouth again.  The second
time she swallowed, it was considerably easier but still not a
comfortable task.
	Maggie noticed the pain that Dana was feeling as she ate from
each dish.  Reaching out, she pushed her fingers through Dana's hair.
"Don't worry...it *will* get easier."
	Dana smiled meaningfully at her mother.  "I hope you're right,
Mom..."
	*Please, God* she thought in a silent prayer, *please make her
be right*

					***

	 Scully had been in the hospital for three weeks now, and her
progress was so very slow.  
	Mulder sighed as he watched her sleep.  The dark circles that
she used to have under her eyes had sunken deeper into her pale
cheeks.  She still was as frail as when she came--a skeleton with
skin.
	No progress...
	He had been feeding her her "food" now for fourteen days.
Every day, she seemed to eat more and more.  It still was not enough,
though.  Her eating habits may have changed drastically, but her
mental state was still the same.
	She had sunken into a deep blue funk.  It was a scary to think
of Scully as depressed, but that she was.  Sure, she ate and drank
what she was supposed to everyday, but nothing would make her happy. 
	He knew why she was so depressed.  She hated the hospital--had
said it from day one.  It must of been extremely boring for her to be
confined to a small room with an IV in her arm all day, every day.
The schedule was always the same:  sleep, eat, stare at the wall,
sleep, eat, listen to Mulder talk, sleep...
	Often, he tried to brighten her day by telling her jokes or
reading to her from 'Moby Dick'.  Sometimes, it even seemed to work.
However, she never failed to slip back into her dark mood...
	This particular day was one of the worst ever.  It had started
when Scully demanded on getting up to use the bathroom.  When the
nurse had come to aid, she refused to be helped.  He remembered the
scene quite vividly:
	"Miss, let me help you to the bathroom," the nurse said,
politely placing an arm around Scully's shoulders.
	"No thank you, ma'am, I can handle it myself," she responded
coldly, pushing the woman away.
	"Scully..." Mulder started to protest.
	"Back off, Mulder."
	Giving him an icy glare, she swung her legs off the side of
the bed.  She placed both of her legs onto the cold tile floor while
gripping the side bed rail.  The IV dangled from her arm, a constant
reminder that it was part of her body.  Her legs failed her as she
pushed up to a standing position, and she fell to the floor like a rag
doll.
	Letting out a sharp cry, Mulder rushed to her side.  
	"Get your hands off me, Mulder!"  she yelled at him, her face
growing red with embarrassment.
	He backed off slowly and watched as she crawled to the
bathroom on her hands and knees.  He pushed the IV along with her but
did not dare touch her.  When she finally reached the bathroom door,
she reached for the knob.  Her body would not allow her to stretch
enough to touch it, and she swore under her breath.  It pained his
heart to watch her try to open the door, knowing if he went to help,
she would scream at him.
	Minutes passed, and her embarrassment grew.  Finally, she gave
up, sinking into a little ball against the door.  The nurse approached
Scully and opened the door for her.  She took her in her arms and led
into the room.  When the women emerged, he went over and took her from
the nurse.  Tucking her back into the bed, he watched her face.  She
lay totally still, her face blank, her eyes unfocused.  She did not
even attempt to glance his way.  Eventually, her eyes drooped shut,
and she fell into a deep slumber.
	Two hours later, she awoke.  
	"Hey, how are you doing, Dana?" he squeezed her fingers.
	No response.  She just looked away.
	"It's almost time to eat...we have potatoes, apples, and beef
broth today, Scully."
	Nothing--not even a blink of the eye.
	This worried him.  She had never ignored him like this before.
It was as if she was in some type of waking coma...
	When the food came, she ate but stared right through him.  He
was completely invisible to her.  He talked to her during the entire
meal, if not to help her, to keep himself sane.  Dinner was finally
over, and she turned and went back to sleep.
	And this was where he was now--watching her sleep...again.
The entire situation was incredibly frustrating.  She had totally shut
herself off from the outside world, sinking deep into her own self.
The depression she had developed over the past few weeks had finally
come to a head.
	*I have to do something.  If her body doesn't kill her, this
definitely will...*
	He made sure she was sleeping deeply and quietly left the
room. Outside, the environment was so different from her room.  It was
alive, buzzing with activity--a breath of fresh air.
	Walking for a short distance, he stopped at the nurse's
station.
	"Excuse me, miss," he said to the receptionist, "do you know
how I can contact Doctor Roberts?"
	She smiled at him.  "I will page him for you if you want,
sir."
	"That would be great.  Thank you."
	Twenty minutes later, he saw Roberts appear from the elevator.
	"You wanted to speak to me, Mr. Mulder?"  
	"Yes, doctor...it's about Dana.  I am really worried about
her."
	"What's happened?" Roberts asked, concern crossing his
features.
	"Today, she tried to get to the bathroom by herself, and when
she couldn't, she just gave up totally.  I've never seen her behave
like that before.  She hasn't spoken to anyone since that.  All she
does is sleep.  She won't even look at me."
	The doctor sighed.  He knew how depressed his patient had been
for the last couple of weeks, but he assumed it would get better as
she started eating more and more.  Apparently, that wasn't the case.
	"Depression *is* a common symptom displayed by recovering
anorexics.  The fact that Dana is so independent in mind clearly
explains why she wants to do things by herself."
	Mulder was not sure if the doctor truly understood how serious
this was.  "Doctor, when Dana realized she couldn't get to that
bathroom by herself, it seemed like she just gave up on life
completely.  Something in her shut off, and I need to know what  to
do."
	"I don't know what you want me to say.  There is not much more
we can do at this time."
	"She is depressed," he said, glaring at the man before him,
"and I think I know why.  She hates being in this hospital, surrounded
by nurses and doctors all day.  Doctor, I have an idea of how to help
her--if you would please consider it."
	This sparked an interest in Roberts.  What idea could he
possibly have this time? "Go on, Mr. Mulder."
	"Dana should be a homebound patient.  I believe if she was
able to live in her own apartment, she would definitely recover
faster."
	This was absolutely out of the question.  "I'm sorry, Mr.
Mulder, *that* is not possible."
	"Listen to me," he pleaded. "Here in this hospital, Dana feels
very uncomfortable.  If she could be at home, sleeping in her own bed
and eating at her own table, she would feel so much safer.  The
environment she's living in now is intimidating.  She needs a haven
that is familiar..."
	Roberts felt sympathy towards Mulder.  He knew how much he
wanted her to get well.  But what he was asking would be extremely
hard to pull off.  "I can't do it," was all he could say.
	Mulder turned away from the doctor, his mind racing.  He had
to get this approved some way.
	"What if I stayed with her all the time?" he asked, turning
around.  "I mean, if her mother or myself was always there to keep a
constant eye on her, would you allow it?  Please, doctor, try to
understand.  I know Dana.  I know her better than I know myself.  She
will not survive if she stays here much longer.  *I* will help her.  I
gave you proof with the food.  She wouldn't eat for your nurses, but
she ate for me.  That was a huge step, and this would be an even
bigger one.  We must do anything to keep her alive, so we have to do
this!"
	The passion in Mulder's eyes overwhelmed Roberts.  It was
staggering to see his honest love and concern for her.  He didn't know
how he could say no...
	"I'll see what I can do."
	Mulder grinned widely and shook the man's hand.  "Thank you so
much, doctor.  You've made the right decision.  I'm sure of it." 

					***

	The next day, the doctor gave his final answer.  Scully would
be allowed to go home but under a few conditions.  First, she would
have to travel back to the hospital once a week for a check-up.  That
way, the doctors could keep a close eye on her progress.  Second, a
nurse would visit her home twice a week to change her IV.  The IV
would only have to be used at night or any other time she slept.  The
third condition was Mulder's responsibility.  Everyday after dinner,
Dana would have to be weighed and administered a series of drugs.  Her
weight would have to be charted and sent to Dr. Roberts every week.
If her weight did not increase within two weeks, she would have to be
brought back.
	Mulder, for his part, was willing to do anything to get her
out of the hospital.  Now that he had won this battle, he had to tell
Dana and her mother.  He hoped Mrs. Scully would support him.
	"I think it is a wonderful idea, Fox!"  Maggie said happily
after he had told her.
	"I just hope Dana thinks so too.  She still hasn't spoken
since the incident yesterday.  I have a feeling she's really mad at
me."
	Maggie went to him and took his hands.  "Fox, don't think she
doesn't want you around.  She needs you more than anyone.  As her
mother, I know Dana is very stubborn, but I also know she will get
over it.  Anyway, when you tell her what you've managed to finagle,
she will talk to you again."
	He smiled at the thought.  "I hope you're right, Mrs. Scully."
	Quietly, he walked into her room and approached the bed.  She
was not asleep but staring out the window.  
	*Not much of a view* he thought, following her gaze to see the
brick wall of an adjacent building.  *That will change...*
	He sat by her side. "Dana, I have something very important to
tell you...now you don't have to look at me, but please listen. Both
your mother and I know how much you hate being here, so I've managed
to convince Dr. Roberts to send you home."
	She blinked rapidly, still turned away.
	*A response!  Thank God*
	"From now on, you will be a homebound patient.  You will still
have to take pills and have an IV when your sleeping, but other than
that, you can have a normal life again.  A few conditions have been
set, but we will talk about those later.  Dana, do you want to do
this?  Please, I need to know."
	For the first time in almost twenty four hours, she turned and
looked at him--actually *looked* at him.  He never thought her eyes
more beautiful than in that moment.  It was if her entire being
suddenly snapped from the deep fog she had been lost in.  Dana Scully
was back...
	"Mulder..." her voice cracked from disuse.  "I want to go
home."
	The smile he gave her reflected relief and love.  "Then we'll
go home, Dana."
	Her lower lip trembled slightly and a single tear slid down
her cheek.  He reached and brushed it away, slipping his arms around
her torso.  
	Hugging him as forcefully as she could, she whispered,  "Thank
you, Fox...I'm so sorry..."
	"Shhh, it's all right...I want you to stop apologizing and
start getting well, OK?"
	Nodding, Dana buried her head in the crook of his shoulder.
This was what she had only dreamed of.  Being able to go home seemed
like an impossible fantasy before, and now it was a reality.  All
thanks to the man who held her in his arms.  



End part (3/3)
End of "Coming Back"
Next-->  "Into the Black Abyss III: Safe At Home"
Send Comments to:  Lavinia627@aol.com