From: OpheliaMac Date sent: Wed, 18 Mar 1998 15:36:54 EST Title: Delete This File! Author: Ophelia E-Mail: OpheliaMac@aol.com Rating: NC-17 Category: C, H (Star Trek, Millenium, Monty Python) Spoilers: Obscure Ren & Stimpy reference Keywords: Slash, everybody/everybody Summary: In a tremendous violation of continuity, good taste, and good sense, shadowy unknown writer(s) make Chris Carter's, Gene Roddenberry's, and the Censorship Suicide Squad's worst nightmares come true. ****************************************************** Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story, and obviously, I shouldn't. Warning: If you dislike irreverance, patent silliness, and general perversion, then "Come na further, for these await ye all with sharp pointy teeth!!!!" Note: I wrote this in script format, because "literary" things like exposition, description, etc., seemed *so* unnecessary. Other Note: This is nothing, nothing, nothing like the "serious" angstophile stuff I usually write. ****************************************************** [Scene: for reasons forever unexplained, Mulder and Scully are on the bridge of the original Enterprise. Spock is wearing pink pumps with maribou tufts on the toes.] SPOCK: Oh, Agent Scully, you're so *logical.* I feel that seven-year itch coming on just listening to you say, "There's got to be a rational explanation!" SCULLY: Oh yes, Mr. Spock, yes! Please, say "reverse the polarity" to me again! SPOCK: [sensually] Reverse the polarity! MULDER: You never say "reverse the polarity" to *me.* KIRK: *I'll* say "reverse the polarity" to you! MULDER: But it's just not the same. KIRK: What if I said, "tachyon particle beam?" MULDER: Oh! [demurely] You're making me feel all tingly. [Turbolift doors burst open and CHRIS CARTER, GENE RODDENBERRY and the CENSORSHIP SUICIDE SQUAD burst in] CARTER: Stop that! All of you, hands in the air! I don't care what you're holding! [sees what Spock is holding] Eeeeeeew! MULDER: Isn't that Gene Roddenberry? SCULLY: Isn't he dead? I thought they scattered his ashes in space. MULDER: Some guys just can't take a hint. RODDENBERRY: I invented you! I marketed you! Why, oh why, would you do this to me? KIRK: We're not doing this to *you.* You're a dead old man. That would be gross. CARTER: Agent Scully, I'm very disappointed in you. Sure, I'd expect Mulder to be in here doing Captain Kirk-- MULDER: Hey! CARTER: But you're supposed to be the rational one. SPOCK: O, how she drives me mad! Scully, talk physics to me! CARTER: Come on, I'm separating you. Censorship Squad, get in here! [Censorship Suicide Squad rushes in and prompty all shoot one another. Corpses litter the deck.] RODDENBERRY: You had them wear red shirts! You *fool!* CARTER: But they were on sale . . . SCULLY: [tenderly, to Spock] A body in motion tends to remain in motion . . . MULDER: You never recite Newton's theory of gravitation to *me.* CARTER: Mulder! Scully! Both of you, over against the wall! [The agents reluctantly obey] You two are spending the next week on my computer--in separate disk drives! BOTH: [chastened] Ok. [Turbolift doors open again and SKINNER walks in. At the same moment, CAPTAIN PICARD beams onboard in front of the view screen] SKINNER: Picard! PICARD: Skinner! SKINNER: Jean-Luc! PICARD: Walter! [Tchaikovsky's "Romeo & Juliet Fantasy Overture" begins to play from no known source as SKINNER and PICARD run toward each other in slow motion.] CARTER: Stop that! Stop that! There will be no unconsummated sexual tension while I'm here! [music slows to a drawl and dies] PICARD: But then . . . we must consummate it. [Kisses SKINNER passionately] Ah, je t'amie, mon cheri, mon petit directeur assistant . . . [CARTER and RODDENBERRY pull them apart. CARTER parks SKINNER next to MULDER and SCULLY] CARTER: Skinner! What the hell were you thinking?! SKINNER: I don't know . . . it must be the way the overhead lights flash off the skin of his head. It just . . . got to me . . . [SKINNER and PICARD gaze longingly at one another across the bridge.] CARTER: You are all in really big trouble! MULDER: [To SKINNER] Does that mean I get to submit *you* to disciplinary action for a change? SKINNER: [Thinks about it] Ok. MULDER and SCULLY: Yaaaay! MULDER: Scully, where did you put the fluffy wrist restraints? [Turbolift opens and BEVERLY CRUSHER enters] DR. CRUSHER: *I* have the fluffy wrist restraints! [She proceeds to put them on SCULLY] You know, dear, I was doing genderbending aliens while you were just an evil gleam in Mr. Carter's eye. I'm sure I can give you quite an . . . education. SPOCK: Get away from her! She's *mine!* RODDENBERRY: Oh, no! Conflict between major characters! That's worse than sex between major characters! Aaaaargh! [Dies--again] [DR. McCOY beams on board, points a TV remote control at RODDENBERRY and hits "play." When nothing happens, he says:] McCOY: He's dead, Jim! Oh, God, how it turns me on to say that! CARTER: All right, now that was really uncalled for. Who's writing this?!? Where's the lousy scuzzbag that's inventing this thing? [Walks offscreeen a moment, returns gripping a GEEK by the scruff of the neck] It it you?! Is any of this your fault? I warn you--I have *ways* of making you talk! PICARD: Mais, oui! I will fetch le toybox! EVERYONE but CARTER: Yaaaaaay! GEEK: N-no, Mr. Carter! I swear! I was minding my own business, using the single-frame advancing capability on my VCR to scrutinize ST:TNG Season Four for continuity errors . . . CARTER: [Smacks GEEK upside the head] Liar!!! GEEK: No, really! It's not me you want . . . SCULLY: [Aside] You can say that again. GEEK: It's the Shadowy Porn Consortium which conspires . . . No! I'm putting my life in danger by even mentioning them! CARTER: [Smacks GEEK again] If you don't tell me all that you know, I'll make Agent Mulder philosophize about the Meaning of Life at you! MULDER: Hey! GEEK: Noooooo! All right--the Shadowy Porn Consortium conspires to make all major characters of Science Fiction shows engage in outrageous sexual acts with each other! Except for the MST3K people, they've been spayed or neutered to ensure public health. [A 16-ton weight drops onto the GEEK's head.] Aiee--Guh! CARTER: Damn, how can I wipe out this hideous nuisance?! MULDER: Ummm, I think the "nuisance" are your fans, sir. It might not be a good idea to wipe them out. CARTER: Oh, who asked you? [Smacks him upside the head] SKINNER: Hey, that's my job! [Pulls MULDER over his lap and spanks him soundly.] Now, repeat after me, "I've been a very naughty Federal Agent." MULDER: I've been a very naughty Federal Agent--ow! [ZOOT and DINGO of CASTLE ANTHRAX appear] ZOOT: Oh, me next! DINGO: And me! ZOOT: And after the spanking, the oral sex! ALL: The oral sex! The oral sex! CARTER: Cut it out!!! [SEVEN OF NINE and MARITA COVARRUBIAS beam aboard] SEVEN OF NINE: I'm going to stand here in a gratuitously sexy outfit and talk about nonsexy things. SPOCK: Yessss!! MARITA: I'm going to talk about nonsexy things in a very sensual voice for no reason. [Very sensually] Studies have shown that . . . [husky beath] increased salt intake . . . corroborates positively with an increased risk of heart disease. SEVEN OF NINE: [Peering over her enormous bust which is barely contained in a skin-tight bodysuit] It is important to monitor one's blood cholesterol level as well. SPOCK: [Incoherant cries of ecstasy] [Turbolift doors open and AGENT PENDRELL walks in] PENDRELL: Hey, everybody! Does anyone want to engage in outrageous sexual acts with *me?* ALL: No, . . . um, no, no thanks. DR. CRUSHER: [Currently transporting [no pun intended] SCULLY to heights of rapture] Even in this universe, you're still not going to get any. PENDRELL: Damn! [Wesley Crusher exits the turbolift] WESLEY: I'm never going to get any, either. Want to go play with my collection of electric trains and study the works of Sigmund Freud? PENDRELL: [A bit disappointed] Well, ok. WESLEY: [Notices his mother] At least this one's not likely to change sexes. DR. CRUSHER: Oh, shut up. No one asked you. [PENDRELL and WESLEY leave. FRANK BLACK and DEANNA TROI arrive] TROI: I'm sensing that even your own wife doesn't want to do you. FRANK: I'm sensing that you're sensing that even my own wife doesn't want to do me. TROI: [seductively] You know what I'm thinking? FRANK: Yes. [They fling themselves on the floor and have at it like crazed bunnies.] [LIEUTENANT RIKER appears and turns around and around in the middle of the room, shouting:] RIKER: What the *hell* is going on here? What the *hell* is going on here. . . ? [Over and over] CARTER: I--I've lost control . . . how? How did this happen? [The room has descended into utter chaos. A well- chastened AGENT MULDER is "attending upon" SKINNER and PICARD. McCOY has joined SCULLY and DR. CRUSHER in a menage-a-trois and keeps shouting:] McCOY: Dammit, we're doctors! Dammit, we're doctors . . .! [MARITA and SEVEN OF NINE discuss the stock market as SPOCK drools. THE LONE GUNMEN appear and, much to everyone's surprise, are ravished by ZOOT and DINGO. The EVIL KIRK has arrived and seems to be having a bit too much fun wrestling on the floor with the GOOD KIRK.] CARTER: Much . . .too stupid. Must find computer power source . . . must pull plug . . . [Suddenly, Q appears.] Q: Stop! [He snaps his fingers and all activity freezes] CARTER: Oh, thank you, thank you, Mr. Omnipotent Being. They were beginning to drive me insane. Q: No problem. [The turbolift door opens and CSM steps out, puffing on the Eternal Cigarette.] CSM: What do you mean by stopping all this? I just got here. Q: But . . . but . . . CSM: Remember who you work for, boy. Drop `em and grab your ankles. [The insanity starts again. CARTER struggles over to a control panel, desperately seeking a self-destruct button. He finds a Red, *Candylike* Button and hits it. Symbols flash onto a nearby monitor:] MONITOR: C::> [Cursor blinks on and off] CARTER: [types] kill storyline MONITOR: bad command or file name CARTER: deltree MONITOR: bad command or file name CARTER: make it fucking stop MONITOR: bad command or file name CARTER: die you fucking piece of shit computer, die MONITOR: Password accepted. CARTER: [giggling insanely, types:] Delete This File! MONITOR: Continue? Yes/No CARTER: [types `y'] Yes, you piece of crap, yes! [Strangely, this is exactly what CSM is moaning in a corner.] MONITOR: Uploading to submissions@x-philes.com. 30 seconds remaining. CARTER: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! [The end. Thank God.] ****************************************************** The Apology: Any story of this sort will rub some people the wrong way. If that is the case with you, then I apologize. If it rubbed you the *right* way then . . . well, let's just keep that on a need-to- know basis. ******************************************************