Date: Wed, 18 Mar 1998 23:54:40 +1030 From: Penny Rady Title: Before I Go To Sleep Author: MissM E-mail: scully@arcom.com.au Rating: G Category: V Spoilers: none Keywords: Summary: A belated, but insistent little story that deals with Scully facing death...and Mulder. All copyright messages apply to this story, I do not own these characters, nor do I profess to, however I'm grateful to Carter and Ten Thirteen for the loan. Before I Go To Sleep Darkness surrounds us all, someone once said. Mulder believes it passionately. Perhaps far too passionately. The light has been obscured and hidden from his eyes so long, he may finally have forgotten to look for it. To forget is a tragedy, I begin to realize, One of unfathomed depth. One loses so much in life that forgetting precious seconds seems a frivolous waste. I think Mulder believed that too. I can only assume that as a child he decided never to forget. Only he has endured so many dark and terrible things, I truly shudder to think what it must be like to remember such things clearly. But Mulder is a man consumed by things he has not taken the time to look at from an outsiders point of view. He does not seem to understand that people don't generally look for the dark shadows when they can see the light. Although in a way he does. His mind is a wonderously frightening concept for me. Throughout our time together I have watched him, observed him as I was instructed. I have come to know his patterns, as I'm sure he knows mine, but there are things I know I haven't seen. Things I know to be terrifying. How do I face those things? To be faithful to myself, I don't There is a distance between us, a small divide that could be crossed in a single leap. I do not stand on the edge however, and I do not look over and long to leap. I am afraid. Not of Mulder, but of losing myself. I know I could do that with him and it would destroy us both. I could surrender and simply believe, only because it is easier. I am finding it hard to think of things now. I am weary, I envision my bones as they ache, wan, brittle. I see myself as I see those bones. I don't have the energy now to challenge Mulder. Instead I look at him, I let him tell me what is happening, but I don't speak. I don't know what to say, but I know I must think of a way to tell him that I don't care anymore. It is his crusade and I am ready to give it back to him. He sits here with me now and I feel guilt. I had forgotten that I love him. I remember now as he holds my hand gently and talks to me. How do I explain? Should I explain? Perhaps it would be easier if I did not. No, I don't think so. He has a right to know, I owe him the truth at least. I open my mouth to begin, to tell him. But he kisses me. Gently. The way he always has. Almost timidly he kisses my forehead. I often wonder why he doesn't kiss my lips. I wonder what he's afraid of. I wonder if it's the same thing I'm afraid of. But I know now that I won't tell him tonight, how could I? I sigh and that seems to please him. I think he knows my secret already, but I have to say it, hear it aloud coming from my own mouth. Slaying a demon, he would probably say. I can see tears forming in his eyes. He will cry for me, of that I have no doubt and saddens me. I imagine how he will suffer and I become angry again at the injustice of this situation. He doesn't need to grieve anymore. I squeeze his hand as hard as I can, which is not a crushing force at this time. He looks at me, searching my face, fearing the growing shadows he must see in my eyes. I feel them coming, closing in on me. But they haven't won yet, I won't go before I have no choice. I lick my lips, they're so dry. I feel them cracked and pale. Even my mouth must look diseased. I wonder if there is a part of my body that does not bear the vivid semblance of death. I doubt it. The invasion of my body is thorough. Cell by cell, the battle has been waged and I have lost. Mulder takes my hand and lowers his head. I wonder what he is doing. I feel his tears on the back of my hand as rubs his cheek against it. I wonder what solace that brings him. I almost ask, but don't. There is no need for such questions now. I ask instead what is happening outside. In the world I will never again visit. I see the pain in his eyes as he looks up at me. Sometimes our thoughts are the same. He tells me, he jokes and I smile. I am glad he has come to me, through it all. I can tell him that, and I do. His eyes tell me once again all I need to hear. His love keeps me going. I will stay another night for him. End