From: Alisha Subject: Alive In Your Heart Date sent: Thu, 9 Apr 1998 15:00:52 +-100 Title: Alive In Your Heart Author: Alisha Rating: G Classification: SRA Spoilers: None Keywords: Scully/other, Mulder/Scully RST, character death. Summary: Response to challenge Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully etc aren't mine. Feedback: Distribution: Everywhere, but tell me first, and it's already posted to Gossamer and Soulmates. Dedication: Another one for Linda and the goldfish >O ~~~~~~~ Alive In Your Heart By Alisha ~~~~~~~ It was like something out of a fairy-tale, or an airplane novel. It was a beautiful summers evening and the low rich sun was just shy of hitting the skyline. My apartment was bathed in a warm orange light, making us both look tanned and healthy. Every time I remember this night, I wonder if I was dreaming it, or watching it on TV, because it was so unbelievably... I'm not sure I can describe in words... It was hot. The window was open, but the air wasn't cooling our hot skin when we danced. I hated dancing. I felt self-conscious and clumsy. But dancing with him was like a welcome tub of double-strength ice cream to a starved chocoholic. I was walking on air during every single second we spent together, when his lips met mine and our bodies moved close. "Shit." I whispered when I realised what was about to happen. The adrenaline rush was almost too much for me - but not quite. I closed my eyes. "Shit." The seconds felt like hours while I waited for him - and then his fingers slid between mine and clasped my hand tenderly. He whispered my name and pressed his lips against mine, and all the while I wondered if I would ever regret this. My eyes were glued shut, too afraid to face my actions, but too involved to back away. I was terrified. ~~~ Dana sat up in the hospital bed, a laptop resting on her old, fragile knees. I was terrified, she typed, pausing to brush her hair from her eyes before she continued, I was terrified, but I was intoxicated... ~~~ I was terrified, but I was intoxicated by the thick atmosphere which was growing all around us. "Scully," he whispered, for that was what he always called me, "Open your eyes." "I can't." I told him. I was frozen - an effigy of the Dana Scully he knew - I waited for his reply. "Do you want me to leave?" I opened my eyes and shook my head slightly, smiling up at him devilishly. I think the sight of his face must have had some reversing effect on me, because the fear in my stomach turned to anticipation and impatience and I knew that there was no turning back... ~~~ "Mrs. Bowman, there's a visitor for you." Dana looked up from her writing to see her young great-grandchildren toddle into the room. They were accompanied by their mother, Justine; Dana's granddaughter. "Hey kids, Justine." "Hi gramma. How are you feeling today?" Justine asked, sitting on a plastic chair by the side of the bed. "I'm fine." She said. "You still writing your book?" Justine tapped the side of the laptop with two fingers. "As always." Justine went to move the computer around, to read what her grandmother had written, but Dana slapped her hand playfully. "You'll just have to wait and see, I'm afraid." She said, casually typing, slowly. H... I... S... "So what have you been doing today?" A... R... M... S... "Oh, y'know. Shopping, the usual..." E... N... C... I... R... ~~~ His arms encircled me and drew me close. So close, I could feel his heartbeat, and I was glad to discover that his pulse was racing every bit as much as mine was. "Shit." I said again. For the first time in my life, I was reduced to a monosyllabic wreck, and I *liked* it. His fingers slid beneath my waistband at the small of my back and caressed the skin there. Thoughts of Ian were still playing in the back of my mind, although he was worlds away from Mulder. I was betraying him. I was a betrayer. ~~~ "Betrayal?" Justine raised an eyebrow. "Hey!" Dana frowned. "When I say you can read it, you can read it. And not a second before." Justine smiled. "Sorry. Look, I'd better be going. I'll leave you to work." Dana smiled. "Okay - now you visit again soon. And you can tell your brother the same message." "I will, gramma." "Bye, now." She sighed and shifted in the starched white sheets, closing her eyes and remembering... ~~~ Our bodies were tangled together and glistening with a sudden sweat in the sweltering summer heat. It was beautiful, and I have never forgotten it. I have never forgotten the way he held me afterwards, and the things he whispered in my ear, and the way he made me forget how badly I had just betrayed the man I was supposed to love. ~~~ "I've missed you *so* much." The words sent guilt searing through my stomach. "I've missed you too," I managed, wrapping my arms around Ian's neck and smiling. "Still, at least you had Mulder to keep you company, right?" "Right." I replied carelessly. I did love Ian, I'm quite sure that I did. And even though I wasn't sure what was going to happen with Mulder in the long run, I knew I could never hurt either of them. When I got that phonecall, I thought I was going to die. ~~~ Dana paused her typing and stared blankly at the clean white wall. The sound of the phone still haunted her. Her fingers trembled, remembering. Her heart raced and her ears rang and she had to take a moment to collect herself. ~~~ It was twenty past eleven, or thereabouts. I held the phone between my jaw and my shoulder, while I flicked through a past case file looking for clues. "Scully." I answered, waiting for Mulder's voice to say, 'Scully, it's me'. There was a pause on the end of the line. "Agent Scully? It's Skinner." Skinner was mine and Mulder's superior - he was a strict boss, and although later in life we found that we had found good friends in each other, our relationship was still professional when he introduced himself down the phoneline. "Can I help?" I pulled off my glasses and closed my eyes tiredly. A beat. "Scully... Dana... it's about Mulder." I smiled. "What's he done now?" "He's dead." The world ended with those words. "Scully? Are you still there?" "I... yeah. Um. How did he...?" "It was a car accident. He was admitted to the ER two hours ago, but he died just a few minutes ago. It was... internal bleeding." "I see." I was afraid. I was afraid to move, because if I moved, time would pass. If time passed, the amount of time which I spent without Mulder would be greater, and that wouldn't be easy to deal with. "They know it's him... but they need to identify the body. For the official records. Will you..." "Okay. Thank-you." I cut him off and dropped the phone, and ran from the office with my eyes tight closed, hoping to fall under a bus or down some stairs, or straight in the way of a firing squad; anything to stop the pain. ~~~ His body was battered. I had seen it in worse conditions, but this time there was a different feeling washing through me. I might normally have been worried - worried but forever optimistic. Simply knowing that as long as I held on, he must do too. This was an entirely different sensation. This was simply knowing that Mulder would never open his eyes again. And maybe if I'd been there earlier, with my foolish optimism, just holding his hand or whispering at his comatose body, maybe... I nodded at the nurse who had brought me in, affirming Mulder's identity. Words had - for once - completely escaped me. The death I had experienced before was nothing less than shattering. But the one difference between then and now, was that my sister's death left me feeling dead inside. Mulder's death left me with a thousand burning emotions, all battling to rise to the surface and the only way I knew to control these feelings was to let them out in my tears. ~~~ Dana had to stop. She couldn't write more. She smiled at herself for crying. How long had it been? Years. Years and years. At least sixty. But every second remained clear. She blotted her tears on her sleeve and her old fingers began typing again. ~~~ Ian was a great comfort. He listened when I wanted to talk, consoled me when I couldn't talk, left me alone when I needed to think, and held me when I couldn't bear any of it any more. This went on for days. I sank into my sofa, never changing out of my dressing-gown, never moving, only eating when Ian stopped by and fed me. In the end, he moved in, worried that I'd end up dead if I wasn't looked after. This behaviour was so typically un-me, I can see why he was so anxious. One night, he lay on the sofa with me, letting me lean back against him while his arms wrapped around me and I could relax. "I don't know what to say to you." He whispered. "You don't have to say anything," I told him. "I just like it that you're here." "You loved Mulder, didn't you?" He said, sliding his fingers between mine. It reminded me of the same movement that Mulder made, the last time I saw him. "Of course." I replied, holding his hand tight. "No. I mean, you *really* loved him. You were in love with him." I paused. Ian's hand still clasped mine, but he was no longer radiating comfort and warmth, and I suddenly realised that I was going to be alone again. "Can you promise me? Promise me that you're not in love with him." I paused again, clasping his fingers tighter. "It doesn't matter. He's dead." "Maybe. He's not dead in your mind, though, is he? In your heart?" I turned to face him and he brushed a tear from my cheek which I didn't even know was there. I kn... ~~~ The words Dana was proofreading became blurred. She put her head in her hands and tried to clear her head. "Nurse?" She called shakily. "Nurse??????" ~~~ I knew that this was the end. Ian was good to me. He was really hurt, I could tell, and it wasn't easy - but he made it easier. He didn't leave right away - I didn't want him to leave. He made me dinner and made me promise that I'd get up and about soon. He phoned me every day until he was sure that I was on my feet again. I didn't deserve Ian. I didn't deserve Mulder, either, and I had neither of them. I still think about them though; every time I hear the songs we danced to, or smell the food we ate together. Of course, I remarried, and my great-grandchildren are beautiful. I'd like to think that my late husband was every bit as good for me as Mulder was, and Ian... but whenever I contemplate it I feel as though I am remembering a dream. Comparing my husband to angels is a pointless activity. They *were* angels. They gave me a gift, and I can't ever forget it. Ian was right when he said that Mulder is alive in my heart. I can't imagine life any other way. ~~~ Justine wiped a tear from her eye and stared blankly at her grandmother's laptop for a second longer, before she closed the document and removed the floppy disk. Dana was dead. But - as Justine observed at the funeral - she would forever be alive in their hearts. ~~~The End~~~ Alisha xoxox 'The One With The Constant Chandlerismising' Could it *be* more endearing??? kleinjan@btinternet.com Okay, IMHO this was far too slushy, but people seem to like that kind of mush, so I wrote it anyway. I am disgusted at myself, but never mind. I'm off to write something much more blood-and-gutsy now, or I think I'll have to accept psychiatric care. "Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you That is how I know you go on." - Celine Dion, 'My Heart Will Go On'